Humility Is The Opposite of Haughtiness

Published on July 19, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Warmth of Humility

Rather than take on everyone else’s dreams, desires, and expectations, can I not humbly look at what has been placed before me?

Will I continue to look at others’ needs and expectations, to what is presented to them in their lives, or will I notice what is in front of me, feel the warmth of appreciation and graciously say thank you for what I am given, for who and what I am, and participate?

Humility is the opposite of haughtiness. It is the act of being humble. And what is being humble? The Wisdom Words From the Bridge Group defines it as not being a know-it-all, not thinking you know everything, not bragging. It is a state of willingness to listen to another’ point of view without having to tout yourself and your beliefs because you don’t feel so self-important.

Humility is not crawling along on the ground like a word, nor is it being humiliated, feeling humiliation.

One who is humble and not displaying haughtiness is a gentle person, filled with grace, actively listening to those around him/her, not finding the need to change the topic to themselves. This is a skill taught when one becomes sober, as the act of humility is crucial in being able to maintain sobriety.

From within, one who is humble might feel quiet and calm about themselves, actively interested in hearing what others are doing and saying. It is a state of being in the world that brings peace and joy to self and others.

How are you humble in your daily life? In what way do you display humility instead of haughtiness?

I’d like to thank you for visiting my weblog. I am blogging about each topic as it appears in my book. The verse and image you see at the beginning of each blog are from the book. See the book’s interior by clicking on the bookbuzzr book or watching the video, both of which are on the sidebar of this site. The book is available for advance purchase on this site by clicking on the button, “Buy the Book.” Each copy purchased on this site will by signed personally for you, and shipping is free. Enjoy!

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Call It Courage

Published on July 12, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Spaces of Courage

We all hold feelings of hurst, disappointment, grief, and despair deep within from which we desperately seek relief. We repress it, drink it away, or turn to another to make it right.

Perhaps, rather than cast the pain out of our heart or give it to another, it would be better to find the courage to touch that oh-so-vulnerable spot, to hold the pain tenderly, gently… with great compassion.

If we find the courage to invite in  a sacred force to embrace those deep wounds with us, perhaps we will be graced with the ability to befriend our pain and then, to heal.

For those of you new to my blog, let me explain that I am blogging through the topics as they appear in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. This is a book of 42 photos of wrought-iron gates and accompanying prose that reflects my journey from feelings of worthlessness and deep despair to joy and peace. It is also a reflection my journey in sobriety…

They call it courage when someone moves forward despite fear. It takes courage to do that. Sometimes, it is very pronounced, very evident that we are acting with courage. Sometimes, courage whispers quietly, and says simply to try again tomorrow.

They call it courage when there is fear and you are scared; it wouldn’t be courage unless you are scared to do something. Then, as you’ve read above, a belief in the powers-that-be is all it takes to summon courage. Asking that power for help is usually successful.

Often, people are unable to summon the courage to deal with hurt, pain, disappointment, and they turn to others to “fix” whatever it is. This puts a lot of pressure on another. Or, they turn to drinking to drown out the sorrow.

In sobriety, we learn that drinking only increases the sorrow and misery one is feeling. Without liquor to dull the pain, we feel it acutely. Perhaps this is when a higher power is essential in helping to move forward bravely, to feel these feelings, these deep wounds. Over time, the pain dissipates, as we find the courage to face the origination of the pain. As we feel it fully, we are then guided to a place of healing from the wound. They call it courage when one sticks through this process.

When is the last time you displayed courage?

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How to Deal With Self-Doubt

Published on July 8, 2010 in Difficult emotions and Self improvement.

Shadows of Doubt

I am mired again in the shadows of my dount, my fear.

I circle and circle and circle around the stones of my heart, caged, unable to pass through to the place where my heart is bathed in light.

When we doubt ourselves, our actions, and our beliefs about who we are, we erode our self-esteem, our self-confidence, and our very soul. If we know that doubting ourselves leads to these things, why do we do it?

Perhaps it is a reflection, an indicator, of our state of self-worth, our value to self and to the world. With low esteem and confidence levels, we are not stable enough, not strong enough, in who we are to ward off self-doubt. It erodes our very being even further. We question everything we do, perhaps always looking to others for validation rather than to ourselves, or to a power greater than ourselves.

How do we conquer this, this insidious doubt?  Perhaps it begins with a self-appraisal in which we identity the ways in which we doubt ourselves. If we can identify that, we then have a change to correct or change it. In doing the self-searching, it is necessary to be really honest with ourselves, to admit that the way we fell about ourselves is not honest. For if we were honest, we would see that we are delightful beings, fine just the way we are. We are enough as we are.

If, however, we see that we are doubting ourselves inappropriately, we can make the choice to change our beliefs. How do we do this? By recognizing and admitting each time we doubt, and examining if it is true. When we admit the doubt is false, then we consciously make the choice to change that doubt into a positive statement or affirmation about ourselves. Over time, with diligence, we begin to see our doubts diminish and our esteem and confidence rise. We begin to accept ourselves as we are, making changes when we feel it’s necessary. In this process, it is important to be kind, gentle, and compassionate with ourselves.

How do you deal with doubt when it arises? Do you see this method as being useful?

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Do You Trust Yourself, Others, and God?

Published on July 3, 2010 in Principle of living and Self improvement.

Offer of Trust

A way presents itself to me, but I cannot see where the path leads. Still, I am asked to trust.

Is it safe? Do I have a choice?

We continue to journey through the book, talking about each topic in the order that it appears in the book. Today’s topic, trust of self, others, and God,  is a foundation which allows us to work toward and reach inner peace. Without trust, we are constantly looking over our shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is most exhausting.

What does it mean to trust yourself? Perhaps it means the knowledge that in every situation, you will do what is best for your highest good. It is the opposite of doubting yourself.

How do you gain trust in yourself if it is lacking? It takes introspection, an examination of your beliefs and actions in all situations. It is a prevailing belief that you can and will act to your benefit in every situation.

It takes courage to do this, as you move past whatever fears you may be dealing with. When you notice that you have trusted a decision, for example, it is helpful to recognize the trust you showed in yourself and to praise yourself for displaying it. Over time, this becomes easier, and you begin to see patterns emerge which you can change with awareness and practice.

Trusting others can be a real problem, especially if you have been hurt or betrayed. The more hurt you have endured, the less likely you will be to trust others.  The normal response is to shut down your heart and decide not to trust. Here again, courage comes into play, as you slowly observe others, assessing how trustworthy they are.

First and foremost, it involves the determination that it is safe to trust another.  In the face of abuse, for example, you  perhaps have seen a pattern of behavior and you have good reason not to trust. In those situations, be gentle with your response and realize you are doing the best you can to keep yourself safe. Seek help. Try to remove yourself from that situation. That will help you learn to trust yourself.

When you feel betrayed by another such that you cannot trust them, do some introspective work and determine if your expectations are too high. This can often be the case, that we set our expectations too high and others cannot reach them. Remember, the other person is a human being, prone to mistakes simply because they are human. If it occurs occasionally, you may be able to gain the courage to open you heart and trust them again.

But if this person repeatedly shows that they are not trustworthy, learn from that and stop trying to get them to be trustworthy. That is insanity, doing the same thing expecting different results. Move on and try not to become bitter from others’ betrayals.

Perhaps the belief in a power greater than yourself, call it God or whatever, is the saving grace for learning to trust. You can learn to place your trust in that power, believing that it will take care of you in all situations. The results may not look like you want them to, but on closer examination in these situations, you may see that the way things turned out are for your highest good.

Learn to be aware of when a higher power has worked in your life, and take note of the results that are better than you could have imagined. Over time, you will stop looking over your shoulder and will begin to trust in that power. You will begin to turn to it to ask for help to gain courage to trust, when it’s appropriate.

How do you handle trust in yourself, others, and God? Is it difficult for you?

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How to Develop Awareness

Published on June 26, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Birth of Awareness

I tap into my ability to persevere, to walk through the gates of my despair to reach my passions and desires… the things about myself and the world around me in which I delight, to which I connect.

I allow myself my grief and sorrow, my sadness and anger. Then I turn my attention to the lushness I see beyond the opening…

I decide to walk through the gate.

What is meant by awareness? In this case, it is first and foremost the awakening to one’s feelings and emotions – recognizing them, acknowledging them, experiencing them, and then moving on to all that surrounds us.  It is a process that occurs over time, and it can be painful as one deeply feels one’s feelings.

After this, awakening refers to becoming acutely aware of one’s surroundings – the dew on the grass, the luscious smell of a rose, the beauty of a redwood tree, reaching majestically to the sky.  And it is not just nature where awakening is found. It also occurs by observing the design of a building, the beautiful lines of an old automobile, the gentle light thrown by a lantern or candle. It encompasses everything around us.

In the final stages of awareness, one looks at others with the eyes of the heart. From this attitude springs the ability to be compassionate and kind to others, tolerant and respectful – all in a very authentic way.  Awareness of another’s humanness can lead to better understanding and acceptance of that person.

Once these things develop – when one become acutely aware of others – and all of these things develop, one begins to see one’s self with kindness, compassion, tolerance and respect.  That’s right – we are brought back to the beginning of the cycle, and the process repeats itself, endlessly, if we allow it.

It is helpful to slow down, to just stop and do a sweeping assessment of all that surrounds us, considering what we see with love in our heart. And this is how awareness is born – by repeating this cycle over and over and over again.

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How to Surrender, to Let Go

Published on June 23, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Surrender of Pretense

“It is time to let others see the pitted and rusted metal that is me. It is time to let myself come out from behind my gates.”

This is the topic in the book which follows despair. Just a recap… we are blogging through the book, one topic at a time, as they appear in the book. The order of the topics reflects my own journey of healing, as I experienced these emotions or beliefs in this order.

Todays topic, surrender, or letting go, is a pivotal point at which things can begin to turn around. It is the point at which we open ourselves to the Universe, open ourselves to receive from the Universe. For some, it may feel like giving up in despair. This does not have to be the case, however.

How does one give up, without it feeling like despair and failure? It is helpful to adopt the attitude that the only thing we have control over is ourselves. Once we believe this, we can understand that all our fretting and worrying about the results of our actions are out of our hands, out of our control.

We can begin to see that our worrying or chasing the results we want are wasted energy, which could be better spent taking action. What does that mean? It means assessing every situation, looking at our part in the affair, determining if there is anything we can do, and then doing it – taking action.

Then, we let go of the results; we leave it up to the Universe. We turn our attention to the next thing in front of us to do. and we do it. Every time our thoughts return to that outcome for which we wait, we need to remind ourselves that we have turned that issue over, that we are allowing the Universe to bring us what we need, which may not be what we want. We have to be prepared for that.

Letting go, surrendering, becomes easier with time and practice. A benefit of turning things over is that we develop patience. Another is that we are not obsessing over the results for which we are looking.

This practice is extremely useful for those trying to keep sober, as well as for anyone who has trouble with trying to manage and control everything, trying to force things to happen.  The practice of surrender leads to peace.

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What To Do In The Face of Despair

Published on June 22, 2010 in Difficult emotions, Self improvement and sober living.

Face of Despair

Can anyone hear my wail? Can I hear myself?

The utter hopelessness about everything in one’s life. To be without hope that an expected result will occur. Not even seeing a glimmer… To be despondent. It is an awful feeling, that of despair, one which blocks the sunlight of Spirit.

How does one get there to begin with? Perhaps, there are underlying feelings of worthlessness, shame. One cannot see any point in living; death seems preferable to continuing. That’s the type of despair I’m talking about.

What do you do in the face of despair? How can you deal with it? Recognizing it is the first step. Then, as difficult as it is, allow yourself to feel that emotion, to be with it. Drinking over it numbs the pain and delays the inevitable – that of looking at what is behind it. Is it a low self-worth? Have you been shamed in your life and, thus, feel lots of shame?

Counseling to assist with feelings of despair can be very useful, if one has a counselor familiar with these emotions and how to deal with them. Talking to a trusted friend, relative, or clergyman could be quite beneficial, as long as they are not the type to give advice and try to “fix” you. A person in despair doesn’t need fixing. They need a way to heal from the issues that brought up the despair in the first place. That is why trying to identify what has led to the despair is important.

Perhaps there is underlying depression or other brain chemistry issues that need to be treated medically, with medication. Again, a reputable and savvy therapist can refer to a physician for evaluation.

Many times, one deals with these feelings by drinking, numbing them. This only delays inner work that must be done. In sobriety, one will find the courage to look at these feelings. Shopping and over-eating are also distractions and an avoidance of looking at the despair, and although a welcomed relief, these are simply other avoidance tactics. Distract yourself and then come back to look at the feeling.

If one does a self-inventory or appraisal, one may discover what is beneath the despair. Looking inside for the clues can be very fruitful. Once underlying issues are identified, one can turn to Spirit and ask for help with these beliefs about one’s self, one’s conditions, and/or talk to a therapist, trusted friend or clergyman.

Finding one thing in your life for which you can be grateful is another step you can take. This is extremely difficult, but when done, allows you to focus on something positive. Then, it becomes easier to find others things for which to be grateful. This attitude helps dispel the despair.

But the key lies in willingness to look at the feeling and the feelings and beliefs behind the despair.  To honestly look at oneself and be with what one finds… that is the beginning of what to do in the face of despair.

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Ways to Deal With Sorrow and Grief

Published on June 17, 2010 in Difficult emotions, Self improvement and sober living.

Agony of Sorrow

I am consumed by the searing flame of my grief, my sorrow. It is too painful to contemplate. I cannot allow myself to feel.

Have you ever experienced sorrow so immense, it feels like you’re burning up inside? It starts as an aching that progresses so quickly to create a huge hole in your heart, your soul. And it’s a pain so intense, you can’t even look at it. To do so leaves you breathless.

Distraction of any sort does not even bring relief, but we engage anyway. Shopping, eating, drinking, gambling… Where does it lead? Often to destruction of self and others. Avoidance delays the beginning of the healing process, and yet it is often the only response able before one can confront the sorrow.

Recognizing and dealing with the distraction in which we are engaging, especially with drinking by getting sober, can assist in one’s ability to begin facing the pain, grief, and sorrow.

Sorrow is an intense anguish, often in response to loss or disappointment. It is closely related to grieving. If we choose to look at that sorrow, we can recognize the grieving process and allow it to occur. This begins the process of dispelling sorrow.

Often, talking to others about our sorrow is helpful, and allows the cleansing and grieving process to begin. Eventually, we are able to come back to center and to regain peace-of-mind.

In response to understanding more about the need for assistance to work through sorrow, support bereavement groups are forming, in addition to those offered by a local Hospice organization. Support allows us to realize we are not alone. It gives us courage to face the pain, knowing that by sharing, it will help with that searing feeling, allowing us to regain our equilibrium.

Hello, and welcome to my blog. As a newcomer or even someone returning, I want to clarify what I am doing on the blog. I am talking about each topic of my book, as it appears.  Together, the topics portray my healing journey, from great fear and worthlessness, to joy and peace. Thank you for joining the journey. We are currently at the beginning of the book, talking about difficult emotions.

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How to Manage Feeling Worthless

Published on June 10, 2010 in Difficult emotions and Self improvement.

Corner of Worthlessness

I try and try to climb to the light of my being, yet, I cannot scale the wall of my worthlessness. So I collapse, again, in the shadows…

a heap of broken debris in the corner.

Feeling worthless. One of low self-esteem, loss of self-respect. The feeling that no one appreciates your efforts, that you do not matter to anyone, or to very few. Nothing you do is good enough, so why bother? Just writing about it brings an energy-draining feeling.

From there, feeling worthless often leads to self-pity, which can generate shame for having those feelings. Many numb these feelings with the use of drugs, alcohol, shopping, eating… In the most drastic cases, these feelings lead to suicidal thoughts and, sometimes, actions.

Where does it originate? Some say it stems from the early, formative years, if one repeatedly hears they are defective, not good enough. Yet, one can develop feelings of worthlessness if in a bad relationship, for example, where one endures continual put-downs, degradations. The words heard become adopted as our own and we continue to degrade ourselves; we don’t need others.

How would one manage feeling worthless? It is said that doing esteem-able acts is a way to increase one’s self-esteem, and thus, decrease or resolve those feelings. One might also discover their calling, whereby their actions are geared toward fulfilling an identified purpose. Often, one’s purpose is useful to others, which raises one’s self-esteem and self-respect.

Counseling of some sort to resolve those underlying feelings can be very useful and yield a positive self-esteem and self-confidence, thus, minimizing feelings of worthlessness.

Doing an honest inventory of yourself and your skills can lead to the realization that what was told to you was not true, that you do have many assets and many positive attributes.

Feeling worthless is so damaging to our spirit. It leads us to dangerous places in our mind and heart. The degrading things we were told or that we tell ourselves is not who we are. We are all delightful beings, each with specific skills and strengths. Learn those about yourself. Above all, be gentle with yourself as you heal.

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Understanding Fear

Published on June 5, 2010 in Difficult emotions and Self improvement.

Webs of Fear

“I have spent a lifetime spinning webs of terror and shame between the spires that stand as sentinels to my heart.”

Fear. That emotion, that sense which warns us of danger, keeps us alert and in a fight or flight mode, when necessary. But fear can also be detrimental, can hold us back when moving ahead is in our best interest. In these situations, courage can be difficult to call forth, but it can be summoned to walk past the fear one is experiencing.

Fear can be paralyzing, keeping us from moving forward, from reaching our dreams, or even taking the first steps to reach our dream. Fear appears as concern that we will not be liked, that we are not good enough, that what we are doing is wrong. These fears often stem from low feeling of self-worth and feelings of being “less than.” As we strengthen our feelings of esteem and worthiness, these fears lessen.

False Evidence Appearing Real. Often, it is the anticipation of an upcoming event which takes us to fear. We imagine every negative thing that could occur, until soon, we have taken ourselves to great fear, sometimes to feelings of of impending doom. In these situations, we would do well to stop ourselves from imagining how an event will turn out and instead, open ourselves to the possibilities that can occur. This requires an attitude of openness, of willingness to see things in a new light, without anticipation. It requires that one be open to any outcome.  One would do well to look within, rather than without, at that up-coming event, to locate any sources of unrest, of fear.

Understanding fear when it arises is useful, so one can choose how to handle it… Is it false evidence appearing real, or a truly dangerous situation? If we identify it is related to a low self-esteem, we can work on our beliefs and feelings about ourselves. If it arises out of the desire to follow a dream, one can summon courage and take the action anyway. Once we do this a few times, fear begins to recede. It becomes easier to call upon courage and to walk through the fear that arises.

To all of you new to my blog, allow me to acquaint you. We are blogging through my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, topic by topic as they appear in the book. We are starting over today; we are at the beginning of the book. Join me as we travel the path from fear to hope to peace.  Is that what you look for in your life? Peace?

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Tips For Finding Peace

Published on June 1, 2010 in Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Promise of Peace

When I practice the principles of love for myself and others,

the gates of my heart melt into the glow of dusk, and peace rises to greet me.

It seems I have inner peace when I practice the principles of living, when I practice loving others and myself. It manifests itself as calmness, quietness in that moment. It is composed of one instant of peace following another, until a block of time has passed and I have maintained that peace.

Letting go of the way I want things to go, surrendering, adds tremendously to the ushering in of peace. It’s not something that I say consciously, “I want to be peaceful.” Rather, it seems to be a by-product of other attitudes and behaviors.

For example, practicing gratitude also leads me to peace by letting me feel that all is well; practicing compassion softens my heart to myself and others, and brings me peace.

I looked for this type of peace all my life, but I was looking for it in others, in a bottle, in all that was around me. It wasn’t until I quit drinking and got sober, that I began to learn that happiness and peace come from within me. This took a long time of soul-searching and self-appraisal before I reached a point of acceptance about who I am.

When I reached this point of self-acceptance, life seemed to change from that point forward. It was then that I began to experience periods of peace within. I think the fact that I learned to take responsibility for all my actions, behaviors, and feelings led to the development of peace. Suddenly, there was no one else to blame for the situations in my life. That was very freeing and evoked a peaceful feeling because there was no more drama in my life, or at least, very little.

As I said, I have searched for this in many places and in many ways. But when I let go, practice kindness, compassion, tolerance, and love for myself and others, and take responsibility for myself, peace rises to greet me.

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Living With Serenity

Published on May 27, 2010 in Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Balance of Serenity

I am serene, carried by the winds to places where I am held in balance with great beauty and strength.

Serenity. That feeling of calmness, even amid storms. It is a prevailing attitude, one which overshadows and, thus, contributes to all other attitudes that follow. For me, it comes when I am in alignment with the powers of the Universe, that which is greater than myself. It is a realization that all is well, that I am being provided and cared for.

I got to serenity through the experiences and changes I’ve discussed in this blog. You have traveled through the book with me and read of the trials and tribulations associated with getting to this point.

Perhaps you related as we moved from worthlessness, sorrow, and despair, through awareness to self-appraisal. Past forgiveness and on to principles such as compassion, tolerance, and gratitude until we have reached a point of joy and serenity. What a journey it has been.

As we finish the book, it is time to start over and I am putting out a “request for proposals.” When I go through the book again, is there any specific tack you would like me to take? My thought was to share about each topic in a general way, not relating to my own experiences. I welcome your thoughts. Please share them.

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Living With Joy in Your Life

Published on May 24, 2010 in Joyous emotions, Principle of living and sober living.

Burst of Joy

“I pick up the thread, however fragile, of finding inner peace. As I do this, it leads to furthering my self-knowledge, my journey to peace of mind and freedom of heart.

I never thought this could happen. My heart bursts with joy!”

A burst of joy. That is how joy comes upon me… suddenly, without warning. I experience it when I see an older couple holding hands, or watching an elder and a young person learning from each other. Joy hits me in public, as I watch a parent bestow patient and kind discipline on a child. It finds me when someone tells me of an accomplishment for which they have strived. Rainbows and nature bring me joy, that deep feeling of great pleasure. It is the simple things that bring me joy.

This is all relatively new for me and started occurring after a few years of sobriety. I lived most of my life not experiencing joy. I was too wounded, too busy looking for things about which to be critical and judgmental. Too busy pitying myself.

I didn’t realize I was making a choice to see things critically or negatively instead of positively, but I did. I chose to look at the negative. Now, I look for the positive that an event holds. There most always is a positive somewhere and that is what I seek. Often, finding the positive can lead me to joy.

This doesn’t mean I ignore the negative; I don’t. I look that squarely in the face, conduct a self-appraisal to see how I am contributing to a situation, and adjust my behavior or thoughts according to what I find. I ask for help from those around me, as well as from a power greater than myself. I take action as needed, even if that is merely a conscious change of attitude. Using this method, I have been able to move past my fear, past feelings of worthlessness and sorrow, past despair.

I have been graced with the gift to see the pleasure, the joy, in many situations, using the method I have described.  It works for me.  How do you find joy? What brings you joy?

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Are Your Dreams Coming True?

Published on May 19, 2010 in Joyous emotions, Principle of living and sober living.

Fulfillment of Dreams

“I am waking up from a lifetime of sleeping and am just beginning to learn to play, to fill my sails and dance across the shimmering waters. I am fulfilling dreams I have held in my heart forever that I did not know and, so, could not follow.”

I have learned that if I hold my dreams in my heart, and practice my passions, one day my dreams just seem to materialize, out of nowhere. That is the case with becoming a photographer. I wanted to be one in the late 70’s and took action at that time. I was trying to relinquish my nursing career and replace it with a career in photography.  But nothing panned out…

Nonetheless, I engaged in my passion all those years and one day in 2006, the opportunity presented itself to be a photographer. I was amazed the opportunity showed up after all of that time. I quietly and with excitement stepped into that role.

I have dreams about my book, the way in which I would like it to be received by the world. I continue to keep that dream in my heart alive and who knows? Perhaps it will materialize. We never know what might happen. I have learned that in sobriety. It takes faith and trust that my heart’s desires will be met in some manner.

I think it gets down to, what is in my best interest and in my highest good? That seems to be what eventually comes about for me. It seems that is what I am brought by the powers of the Universe.

So, I live life, patiently continuing with my efforts, accepting where things are along the journey, taking action to move forward. And I wonder if someday, I will see a dream fulfilled. Then, I focus my attention on what is right in front of me to do, and I move forward, moment by moment, day by day.

May you keep your dreams alive in your heart and may they be fulfilled one day.

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What Choices Do You Make in Your Life?

Published on May 15, 2010 in Joyous emotions, Self improvement and sober living.

Celebration of Choices

“I see a little man with his top hat, arm raised above his shoulder in salute. He celebrates his recent discovery… he has choices in his life. It is freeing to learn one can choose at any point. Ah, cause for celebration!”

The fact that we have a choice about everything we do is a thought process that I could not get my head around for many years into sobriety. As I healed, old “stuff” came up and I was reacting to it. I couldn’t control those reactions, and in that sense, felt I had no choice.

I did not realize that the choice I could make was in my attitude. Still, I was not able to make that choice until I had done some serious healing. That took a few years.

One day, I realized I had a choice over how I responded to thoughts and experiences. I had a choice over how I saw things. I could choose to look at challenges, both current and past, as learning experiences, intended for my growth as a spiritual being. That was an “ah, ha!” moment. I saw in an instant what people meant when they said we always have a choice.

From that point forward, I have chosen to look at experiences as nothing more than a chance to learn and grow. It has made a world of difference in my ability to act, rather than react to any given challenge. It has also led to a more positive attitude generally, and feelings of joy and inner peace specifically.

Not only, I learned, did I have a choice over my attitude. I had a choice over staying in situations that were detrimental to my spirit. I had to ask myself what I was gaining by staying, or keeping a negative attitude. I often didn’t like what I saw and it was frequently tied to fear and my low self esteem, sense of self worth. As my feelings of esteem and worth rose, the fear decreased and I became able to act in my best interest, even if it meant leaving my current situation that had its comfort in familiarity.

It comes down to an issue of considering the consequences of any choice. Am I willing to accept the  consequences of a decision? Can I make a decision based on what is best for my highest good, for my soul, independent of guilt? Even there, I have a choice. If I choose, for example, to stay in a relationship because it would hurt the other to leave, I must be willing to accept bouts of emotion that likely might occur when my soul cannot sing, when my soul’s purpose is squashed.

May you see choices in your life and may you reap the benefit of joy and peace from their consequences.

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How to Access the Possibilities of Life

Published on May 12, 2010 in Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Realm of Possibilities

“If I climb the steps, anything is possible. Anything.”

This gate caught my attention because it was flung open as far as it could go. The stairs welcomed me, beckoned me to climb amidst the intricate and pleasing stone work. I marveled at the retaining ability of the wall. I wondered what was at the top of the stairs, wondered what I would find if I climbed…

Interesting how, for me, this gate and those thoughts relate to life. The Universe welcomes me to join in and participate. There are pleasing sights everywhere I look. There are amazing examples of engineering and artwork, merged in purpose and design.

I wonder what is going to happen in my life… this summer, next week, tomorrow, this afternoon. I cannot see where the path will lead, and still, I am asked to trust. Isn’t that a lot like life?

Once I trust, once I become committed to the journey, committed to really observing what is around me, I see that the possibilities for action are endless. Whether it’s a change in attitude, a belief about myself or another, or taking action to further a goal, I find the day is filled with steps of action. If I climb those steps, I reach the horizon and all that the world has to offer. There is a realm of possibilities. Anything can happen. Anything. We never know. It may not happen today, but it may happen.

All I need to do is take action and leave the results up to the Universe. Sounds easy but at times it’s not. Taking action, for me, involves looking at myself and my actions/behaviors with honesty, choosing to be open-minded, open-hearted, and practicing willingness.  It takes adding humility to the mix, as well as kindness and compassion for others AND for myself.

I must be willing to take these steps if I want to experience all that the Universe has to offer. I have learned how to do that in my healing journey, in my sobriety. I have discovered that when I do, there is a wide world of possibilities that exists. I wish for you to experience that in your life, also.

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An Attitude of Gratitude

Published on May 7, 2010 in Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Visions of Gratitude

“When seen with eyes and heart that appreciate, everything around and within me becomes more pleasing, more beautiful.”

gratitude

How can such a thing which is second nature to me today have been something with which I struggled in the past? I resented people who spoke of gratitude, being grateful for this or that in their lives. Then, I felt guilty and ashamed because I could not get to that place myself.

I was still hurting too much from past experiences, their betrayals. I carried great fear to speak up about my feelings. I could barely acknowledge them to myself, they were so painful. I needed to go through a grieving process, to deal with my sorrow, my worthlessness, before I could get to a place of healing.

Over time, this is exactly what I was led through…  a healing process. The creation of the book helped me through my growth and change, and my growth and change led to the creation of the book. The order of the images and their titles reflect my process of healing and my process in sobriety.

Today, I am able to look at events as opportunities to learn and grow and I am grateful for those experiences. I am grateful for the ability and grace to feel gratitude. It is an attitude that, for me, has become pervasive. It floods and colors everything I do. It brings me peace and joy, softens and opens my heart.

Do I sound like Pollyanna? lol Most likely. I used to have a Pollyanna doll. I got it for Christmas one year because I loved the movie with Haley Mills. So what’s so bad about sounding like Pollyanna, as long as I give acknowledgment to my emotions that arise from events and situations?

In other words, as long as I don’t gloss over the difficult parts of a situation, pretend they don’t exist, go on cheerily without dealing with them, I am able to get to gratitude with honesty.

Gratitude finds me now, if I am humble, as well as open and willing to receive it. It has been a process of healing over many years. It is joyfully peaceful when I realize I am feeling grateful about something. How about you? Do you experience gratitude often?

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Choosing to Look at the World With Wonder

Published on May 2, 2010 in Joyous emotions, Principle of living and sober living.

Moments of Wonder

wonder “A beam of light falls upon the metal. I look with awe and wonder at the star that appears… out of nowhere.

Do you suppose there has always been such richness, such wonder, such beauty in the world? Perhaps it has been there all along, waiting to be noticed, to be seen with the eyes of the heart.”

I find that when I choose to look with wonder at the world, I see amazing and wondrous things around me. When I choose to slow down, to stop and look right next to me, beauty is there, just waiting patiently to be seen.

I find it in my physical surroundings… the moss by my feet, with its delicate shoots. It doesn’t have to be as spectacular as the rainbow in the distant sky; I see wonder in the simple things… the spider in his intricately woven web, the bloom of a rose.

I find it in the people around me… the child in the grocery cart in front of me in line, excitedly discovering the world around him, the elderly couple walking hand-in-hand, the woman quietly at rest, watching the sunset.

Wonder is everywhere, if I choose to look, if I choose to see. For me, it is a choice I learned once I became sober. It didn’t happen overnight. I had to get past my fears that I was unsafe in the world, past the feelings of worthlessness enough to be interested in the world around me. I had to learn to get out of myself, to let go of operating from that place of self-centered fear.

It took conducting a self-appraisal, looking at myself with honesty, identifying how unconscious I was to the world and its gifts, identifying how inside of myself I stayed, not venturing out to open myself to others.. not fully anyway.

Once I became willing to slow down and really look with my heart at those around me, my surroundings, I began to see it all with such wonder, such awe. It’s the simple things that I find I notice now, that touch my heart, bring a smile to my face, a tear of joy to my eye. It is that joy which keeps me returning to the choice to see with the eyes of my heart… to see with wonder.

What are the things in your life which bring you to wonder and awe?

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How Do We Learn To Accept What Is?

Published on April 30, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Path of Acceptance

“When we become entwined with our path, the steps become as soft as velvet and the ascent flows smoothly.”

Path of Acceptance

I find it most interesting that on the days I am to blog, I often experience issues related to my blogging topic. For example, today I am blogging about loving what is, and I am struggling with acceptance that I have been scheduled to work tomorrow.

It is a new job for me and I do not really like it, do not really do very well at it, but am trying to let the newness of the job wear off and see where that leads. Meanwhile, I really needed today and tomorrow off to deal with my book and to re-establish my energy for the job. Emotionally, I am having difficulty accepting what is.

So, where do I go in this situation to get to the grace of acceptance? It used to be that when I accepted something, it felt more like a failure and a giving up. It wasn’t acceptance; it was utter resignation. There was a definite negativity about it.

In today’s world, in my sober world, I have gained tools to look at the situation differently. I have the skill to look at how my feelings of resistance are because I am not getting my own way. Ah ha! So, I recognize that my attitude is somewhat childish.

At first, I tried to get out of my Saturday shift, relayed to my supervisor that I was already scheduled for the day at my other job, which is true to the extent that I schedule myself as a self-employed person. That was met with disapproval. So, it’s the shift or my job.

One part of me wants to let the job go, but I will give it more time, as I really need it and it’s based on strong and ethical practices and services. So, what are my choices in this situation? Ah, I have choices… That’s something I’ve learned in sobriety.

My first choice is my attitude. I am the only one who can change that. A change for me does not come from my external situation these days; it comes from within. And it’s a conscious choice. In this case, I can be sullen and mildly angry when I return tomorrow, in other words, pout. Or, I can accept that things are as they are, that I elect not to change the situation by quitting.

I do that by looking with gratitude at what I have. I have a job that is badly needed. My skills at this job are increasing. I am helping children to read. I am grateful for all of these things. Suddenly, my heart softens and I am graced with acceptance, even as I type this.

I now have a second choice to make and, actually, I made it yesterday. I elected to take action about the situation, to avoid it’s reoccurrence in the future. I made that conscious decision to act instead of complaining about the situation, which is how I used to handle things. Complain, complain, but not do anything to change things. I waited for everything and everyone else around me to change. It doesn’t happen that way, I’ve learned. My action was this: I left a note for my supervisor clarifying my hours of availability for each week and invited her to call me to discuss the issue.

I can graciously and humbly appear at work tomorrow. I have accepted what is. Thank you for sharing in my process of gaining that acceptance. Now my ascent flows smoothly again. How is your ascent flowing? Is it smooth?

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Can We Live In Harmony?

Published on April 24, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Shades of Harmony

harmony “When do we take the time to just listen to the breeze, the quietness, the ramblings of our mind, or the world around us?

When do we simply rest, quietly connecting with ourselves and all that is vast and wondrous around and within us?”

I then go on to ask if that explains our inability to touch ourselves and others in quiet, kind, and harmonious ways. That makes the assumption that we are not displaying kindness or harmony. Is that presumptuous on my part?

Perhaps. It’s just that I see so many around me acting unkindly, fighting and arguing, instead of being at peace with one another, or themselves. The question for me becomes, am I being too idealistic to think we can be kind and harmonious with others, with ourselves?

I don’t have the answer to that question. I think it is a choice and one which each of us must choose. Am I going to be kind to another, promoting harmony? Am I going to show myself kindness, allowing me to be at peace within?

These are the questions I began to ask myself once my journey into sobriety had progressed. It was quite startling to realize the ways in which I was not kind to others, and I especially was not kind to myself. I spent a lot of time criticizing others and myself in my mind, not praising them or myself for positive actions. I was not at peace within.

Over time, and with awareness, things have changed for me. The key lay in the self-appraisal, the self-searching I did. Through that, I was able to see myself more clearly, to accept myself and the point from which I was starting. I became able to move forward and practice genuine kindness. As a result, I experience more harmony, both with others and certainly from within.

How do you maintain harmony in your life?

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Invitation of Dialogue

Published on April 23, 2010 in Principle of living and sober living.

Invitation of Dialogue

“If we as individuals cannot speak to each other, how, then, can we as nations achieve peace?”

dialogue

Why do we not speak to each other, I mean really speak? What is it that prevents us from talking over with another our disagreements, or differing opinions? For me, it is usually fear that the other person will get mad at me, fear that I will be rejected. I still, at times, allow what another will think of me to govern my actions.

The thing is, when I finally muster up the courage to say something, it usually turns out wonderfully and a nice discussion is had. As long as I do not get defensive or attack the other, that is… As long as I stick to my side of the street… I have learned how to do that in my journey in sobriety. I am blessed with a sober way of living, as I have learned so much about relating with others and myself…

How do I handle things when the other person is abusive. or if I know they will be so? I have to discern that speaking to another will be safe for me. If I know I will be verbally abused, for example, I make the decision to not speak with the other and I try, as I am able, to remove myself from those situations. For me, that took leaving my marriage.

What about speaking to others in a casual way, to those, for example, who are in the grocery line with me? I often speak to another in that situation and have had some delightful conversations.

How do you do with speaking to others… do you not speak or do you take the invitation of dialogue?

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How to Cultivate Differences in Others

Published on April 21, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Cultivation of Differences

differences“We ask, require, demand that those around us be like us, share our attributes, our beliefs. And in so doing, we compare… one to another. In that process, do we not squash the spirit of one who is different then us – one whose thoughts and drerams and talents lie in a different place?

We are like the gates. Although similar in design, what thrives in one spot does not grow in another. On one, there is rust or corrosion or patina, while on the other is mellowed brass.

One is not more beautiful than another. Each has beauty in its own right, if we will only look… if we will only see.”

I wrote the first and third stanzas of this prose in my journal early in my sobriety, when I began to deal with my feelings of having been compared to my siblings and was expected to have their talents and attributes. Then, two years later, I photographed this gate. It took a few months to match the prose with it.

This is an example of why I believe this book to be Divinely inspired. Not only did I find this prose which described this image, I found better than half of the prose for this book in my journals, written before I ever saw the gate it describes.

As I was typing in the prose above, I was struck by the line about how we squash the spirit of another when we compare them to others. I know today that my spirit was squashed and it was through the creation of this book that I have been able to free my spirit and let it soar.

My experience has led me to be sensitive to the ways in which I compare people. I have only been able to identify my participation in character assassination by taking a good hard look at who I am, a self-appraisal, if you will, of my assets and liabilities. Through that process, I was able to see the ways in which I compare others. I was also able to see that I, in fact, had my own talents and skills and strengths. I had not been acknowledging them during my life.

Once I looked at myself, I then had to accept who I was, including my assets. My spirit began to heal. I felt hope. I began to be able to express gratitude for things around me, people around me. Now, I specifically focus on another’s differences, their strong points, and offer acknowledgment when I am able. My spirit has soared  throughout this process of cultivating differences.

How do you cultivate the differences of those around you?

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Living In Grace

Published on April 18, 2010 in Principle of living.

Sweep of Grace

sweep of grace“Gently, quietly, an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure is bestowed upon me.”

Ah, grace. That gentle favor, that cloak of sweetness that appears through no other action than by loving myself and others. The more I live in this space, the more grace is bestowed.

It is unplanned, unexpected and, so, all the more sweet when it occurs. Webster defines grace as that which is good and proper, decency, what is thoughtful toward others.

I like that last definition… that which is thoughtful to others. So, grace can come to me and it can come through me to another. Grace slows me down, urges me to look at myself and others with gentle and endearing eyes. Such a pleasing and peaceful thought.

In thinking about when I have experienced grace, I am reminded of all the times I have been given kind and gracious words to say to another, when my first thought was for myself. Grace allows me to get out of myself.

May you smile gently as you receive grace in your life, as you pass it on to others.

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Tips For Improving Your Character

Published on April 13, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Growth of Character

“Do we notice the character of another? Do we recognize the traits and qualities of another, grown, over time, on the wall of one’s being?

Do we notice our own character, evolved, over time, on our own beautiful wall? Do we groom the moss and mold, encouraging new growth to flourish?”

growth of characterToday, because of my journey in sobriety, I am able, even excited, to discover things about others. For me, that brings us closer as we recognize ourselves in each other. And still, each has one’s own unique character and that’s where the fun of discovery come in.

To look at one’s character traits is to look at wisdom, I have found. Once past my fear of others and my self-doubt, I became able to open my heart and consider the other with respect and compassion, cultivating the differences between us. What a joyful experience this has been!

It is interesting that when I wrote the above prose, only the first stanza existed. Then, one of the book’s advance readers asked, “What about our own character, improving it?” She was right. The second stanza was born. I have learned to take responsibility for grooming my own mold and moss, if you will, to strengthen and grow my character. Again, I learned how to do this because of my healing journey and my  journey through sobriety.

It took me willingness to do things differently, to listen to others, to ask for help. It took soul-searching and looking honestly at how I treated myself and others. It took forgiveness of others first, and then of myself. It has been a process over time… years, in my case. And the pruning has been worth it.

How did you learn to groom and grow your own beautiful wall?

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Practice Tolerance

Published on April 11, 2010 in Principle of living and Self improvement.

Practice of Tolerance

tolerance“I have the most difficulty being tolerant of others when I am feeling inadequate, insecure, and uncomfortable with myself.

Yet, when I am able to look beyond the imperfections of others, I discover great beauty and worth in those around me. And, I discover that another’s value does not diminish my own.”

Realization that another’s attributes did not diminish my own was a key to my ability to be truly tolerant of others. Now, at this point in my healing, I can be temporarily uncomfortable with myself, feeling “less than,”  still practice tolerance of others and even have the desire to acknowledge them for their accomplishments.

I find it interesting that while I am getting ready to blog about tolerance, I have an experience that tests my ability to be tolerant. I was traveling west on a windy, hilly road, enjoying driving the curves, when I came around a curve to find a large tandem trailer dump truck in front of me, going about 10 mph.

My driving enjoyment came to an immediate halt. Naturally, I was irritated, as I realized there would be no way to pass him on this prolonged incline.  In the moment, I made the conscious decision to grant the truck permission to be on the road. I told myself he had just as much right to be there as I did. Suddenly, I was tolerant of my position behind him and was content to crawl along.  Instead of anger and impatience, I felt peace and contentment. This is grace…

I believe tolerance and judgment go hand-in-hand. When I am not judging another, I am able to tolerate and appreciate one’s differences. And choosing to be tolerant of others leads me to be more non-judgmental of them.  Since adopting this attitude, I have gotten to know some delightful people that I never would have met before. What about you? How do you practice tolerance?




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Judgment of Others

Published on April 6, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Absence of Judgment

judgement“Why do we judge others so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others?

Why do we judge ourselves so harshly for being who we are, if our actions and behaviors feed our spirit and are not harmful to ourselves or others?”

This is a wonderful attitude to have when looking at others. I noticed yesterday, however, that it went right out the window while I was driving. A whole litany of judgments were flying around in my brain! I mean, FLYING! One driver after another, judged as highly incompetent, stupid or ignorant.

Oh my goodness, how harsh. At one point I realized what was happening and said aloud, “What are you DOING, Carolyn?” I clearly was not practicing respect for those individuals, as I talked about in my last blog post!

Where did this streak of judgment, this lack of respect for others come from? I am not sure. It was not fear that I was a “less than” driver. In fact, I was touting my skills. I was tired and anxious to get home. Everyone was going 10 miles under the speed limit, in all four lanes. They were in my way.

I wonder if, because things were not going the way I wanted, I had the need to make someone wrong because of it? That attitude certainly could use a bit of self-searching to get to the root of the belief. I have learned how to do that in sobriety. I’ll keep you posted about what I find.

And what about judging others when they are not a danger? Is it because another is different from us and we feel less than, feel the need to elevate ourselves by putting another down? Or are we afraid of them? What is it that leads us to judge so harshly?

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Respect the Rights of Others

Published on April 1, 2010 in Principle of living and Self improvement.

Respect of Individuality

Individuality“We ask of others to follow our dreams, to be like us. Why?

Why can we not celebrate the talents and skills and differences of each other, encouraging others and ourselves to greatness, daring to stand out, to be unique, to be individual?”

To those of you new to my blog, allow me to explain what I am doing. I am working my way through my book, one titled photograph at a time. The photos are sequentially ordered to reflect my journey through the gates of despair to peace and joy.

We started with fear and despair, moved into awareness and through search of self. Today, as will be the next few images, we are dealing with ways in which we can treat ourselves and others better, with acknowledgment and respect; we’ll get to judgment and tolerance next.

The prose which is paired with this image was written early in my sobriety when I was dealing with my feelings associated with having been compared to my sisters all the years I was growing up. My accomplishments were never as good as theirs, never enough when compared to another. It was a major source of my low self-esteem and self-confidence.

I think that we could do a better job of respecting each other and the delightful parts that make us each who we are. It is these differences that weave the fabric of our lives, rich with texture.

I find that when I am open and respecting another, I learn, I grow, and the other person is encouraged to be themselves, to let their light shine. I think that to show respect for another is to show love for that person. I think we could do better at this.

I think the elder is worthy of respect for wisdom gained through years of experiencing life. I think people are deserving of respect for their cultural beliefs and practices. The young adult is worthy of respect for embarking on their journey. I think the child is worthy of respect for the new discoveries made of themselves and the world around them. I think all are worthy to have basic rights respected. What do you think?


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Acknowledgement of Others

Published on March 26, 2010 in Principle of living.

Acknowledgement of Others

“We go within so we can reach out to others and we reach out to others so we can go within. It is a never-ending circle of acknowledgment – of each other, and of ourselves. We just want to be seen, to be noticed by those around us. We need to matter to each other, and to ourselves. We do not need to do this alone. We need to help each other. “
OthersI believe acknowledgment is the simplest form of showing respect and kindness to another simply because they, too, are a human being. When acknowledged by another, do you not feel a renewed sense of energy. feel better about yourself and the world around you?

Have you ever noticed the eyes of another light up when you acknowledge them? When I experience this, it softens my heart toward the other person, knowing that I, too, would respond in like fashion if someone were to connect with me. It makes me feel good about myself for having done something kind for another, for having done something to further practices such as harmony and respect and love. So I, too, walk away feeling good. It’s a win-win.

We all just want to be noticed by those around us, by those that are important to us… even by those we don’t know. A nod, a smile… eye contact. A soft hello. It doesn’t take much. My heart can soar sometimes, just by having had a passerby smile at me. Hmm. If I felt that way, wouldn’t it be nice to pass it on to another?

And what of acknowledging ourselves? For me, I have learned that showing myself the same kindness and respect I would show a stranger is crucial for my ability to acknowledge another. When I go within, I feel myself a person worthy to open myself up to you. By paying attention to my needs, by nurturing myself, I gain the energy and confidence in myself to approach you. I go within so I can go without.

And I go without so I can go within, as I discussed above. Imagine this beautiful circle of energy that is created just by acknowledging another, by acknowledging ourselves. What would that be like?

We cannot do it alone. We need to help each other as we each learn, heal, and grow.

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Part 2 – Practicing Patience While Driving

Published on March 24, 2010 in Principle of living.

Patina of Patience

patienceYesterday, I cited the prose that is paired with this image in the book. It talked about learning to slow down after a lifetime of running so fast. One of the areas in which I have learned to slow down is my driving.

I am not one of those drivers that whizzes in and out of lanes, and I try to be considerate of the other driver. Yet, of late, I find myself quite impatient when behind someone who is not going the speed limit and I am boxed in, unable to pass them.

The muttering that occurs when this happens has grown past my comfort level. No one can hear me, of course, and I’m not honking at the other driver, but it is the angst, the tension that I feel that is detrimental to me and the other driver, and it takes away the enjoyment I get from driving. If anyone has a trick for maintaining patience when behind someone not going the speed limit and they could be, I would appreciate hearing how you do it, what your thought process is…

Other then the speed limit issue, I learned to slow down and stop grumbling at the other “incompetent” drivers when I started driving a full sized van. Frequent lane changes and speeding became things of the past. Instead, I learned to lope along, going with the flow of the traffic. I was one of those that sometimes did not go the speed limit.

That experience taught me to have respect and patience for the RV drivers especially. I learned that sometimes it is necessary to drive slower than the traffic to maintain control of your vehicle. Stopping distance increases a great deal. Lane changes are more cautiously executed. Knowing these things, I have little difficulty having patience with these drivers.

I am grateful for the years of driving my van and the patience it taught me. As in life, going with the flow is the path of least resistance and brings the most pleasure.

What of those drivers that do not have that experience, those who are impatient and drive recklessly, those who exhibit road rage? I suppose we learn to give way in order to avoid an accident. Yet, is that what it takes to gain patience while driving… an accident? Lives changed or lost? It is not worth it.

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Part 1 – Learning Patience

Published on March 23, 2010 in Principle of living and sober living.

Patina of Patience

patience“I am being asked to slow down so much after a lifetime of running so fast. I do not know how to do that. How do I watch and wait for life to evolve naturally without forcing it? How do I learn to be patient?”

Waiting for life to evolve, to unfold naturally, is a concept about which I was clueless. I had learned that if things didn’t go the way I wanted, it meant I wasn’t trying hard enough, so was told to try harder. The thing is, I was often straining against brick walls.

It was after I had several years of sobriety that I began to relax my grip on things and learn to go with the flow, the rhythm of life. This occurred over time, as I got over some of my major fears, one being that I would not be safe if I stopped managing everything.

I learned to let life unfold first by becoming aware of what was going on around me on a different level than I was used to. I started observing the simple things, the flow of every day life. I discovered that if I am running up against walls, I need to stop. I soon realized that when that happens, I am going in the wrong direction.

Yet, if one event runs smoothly and glides into the next event that needs to occur… and the next… then I’m getting a green light, a go-ahead. This is where I need to focus my attention and act upon what is being presented. That is my responsibility in all of this… to act upon what comes across my path.

Perhaps before awareness, came willingness – the  willingness to see things in a different light, to try things differently. It was through the practice of willingness that I was able to follow another path, the one of least resistance.

I cannot describe to you the peacefulness I feel when I am able to let go of the outcome of something. I just keep going through those green lights, taking the action, doing the footwork, and letting the results be what they will.

What are some of the things you do to go with the flow? Or, do you meet walls of resistance?

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Ways to Persevere

Published on March 19, 2010 in Principle of living and Self improvement.

Rolls of Perseverance

Perseverance“I struggle to not become discouraged, or to think I am a failure because I have not achieved, in my first few attempts, the vision of myself as I wish to be.

Instead, I try to hold tightly to that vision, awaiting my efforts to catch up with the way I am seen by my heart.

Through practice and perseverance, I am learning and growing.”

Perhaps you have experienced being discouraged and feeling as though you failed, because repeated attempts to improve yourself or become a happier person, were unsuccessful. Sometimes, it gets harder and harder to keep trying.

I was one of those people who would beat themselves senseless for perceived failings. I say perceived, because I have learned that nothing in life is a failure. Looked at with a sense of gratitude, failings are actually lessons, opportunities for growth.

It took me a while to get to this point, and many floggings. It seems that when I learned to do a self-appraisal, over time I began to look honestly at what I was doing, what I was believing about myself. I mean looking deeply. What I believed about myself was not true. It was other people’s words and judgments that I was believing.

Once I saw this, really saw and felt this deeply, things began to change for me. I had to search my soul and learn who I really was, not what I had become in response to others. A humbling and difficult experience…

Another thing that has allowed me to persevere with joy is the development of gratitude. With much practice, showing I am grateful for any situation as it happens eases the sting of disappointment or feelings of failure. For me, everything is seen as something for which to be grateful. There can be no failure when there is gratitude.

How do you persevere in the face of discouragement?


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Feeling Hopelessness Change to Hope

Published on March 12, 2010 in Joyous emotions, Self improvement and sober living.

Ray of Hope

ray of hope“A ray of light across the bars of my being lights my way, instills hope in my heart.”

Hope- An expectation that a desire will be fulfilled. A wish, a dream, a thought, an idea, a creative concept, a prayer, a gratitude for that which has not yet happened. In sobriety, I developed such a habit that delivered me to better understand myself as a new being, unfettered by the chains of continual self-doubt manifested by my drinking. I became a new, positive being that integrated hope in my life as a necessary component…

Hope is faith in Source, or God, the expectation that He exists and cherishes my existence as much as I cherish His. Hope is that which allows me to fulfill the desire to create and allows God to guide my path along the way. Hope is waking up in the morning, stretching to see the dawn of day and having the expectation that God will fulfill the day with His presence around me.

It was not always this way for me. For many years into sobriety, I dealt with despair, sorrow, and hopelessness. It got to the point that I prayed to die, as I could not stand the pain any longer. Then one day, everything changed.

I was talking to a man, sober for 10 years, who was distraught over old childhood issues. He described feelings similar to those with which I had been dealing, feelings for which I had been doing a lot of healing work by reading and undergoing therapy. I relayed to him all that I had learned in my search for peace of mind.

He was so appreciative that he cried. I was humbled that my information had been useful to him. As I left and walked to my car, I was overwhelmed and began to cry. I began to realize that perhaps all of the experiences in my life with which I had struggled have been for the purpose of helping another heal from their wounds.

I began to feel that all the experiences of pain that I had endured were for the purpose of me healing and then for sharing how I have healed with those who approach me. In essence, it became about me telling my story. In an instant, I had hope about my life’s purpose and about myself. There was a reason for my pain. I asked God to ignore my prayers to die. Since that day, I have been telling my story in the hopes that it will be useful to another. That is one of the things which prompted this blog. Since that experience, I have been graced with hope every day.

How do you experience hope in your life? Or, are you dealing with hopelessness. I welcome your thoughts.

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Self Improvement Through Self Acceptance

Published on March 4, 2010 in Self improvement and sober living.

Acceptance of Self

self“Have we really changed throughout the years, or do we merely hold within our heart and mind and soul the essence of who we are, while our physical form changes?

Can we recapture the delightful being we have always been, as we allow and celebrate our strengths, our flaws and our spirit?”

I saw this gate and immediately saw a little being with his arms in the air, celebrating his personhood. It made we wonder if people celebrated themselves… Behind celebration, perhaps, comes acceptance. We accept ourselves before we can celebrate who we are.

If you are like me and have a lot of negative self-talk, it is difficult to find self-acceptance. That, at least, has been my experience. Today, I am able to accept who I am. Even with my human failings, I am able to smile at myself with compassion. How did this come to be?

Once sober, I did a self-appraisal, an inventory, if you will.  On it, I listed all of my negative traits.I listed my fears, my grievances and sorrows about my behaviors and myself. Someone had to remind me to include the positive points about myself. I found that quite difficult, but I followed their advice.

It took me years to believe the positive things I had written about myself, really believe them with my heart. It also took years to stop talking down to myself about my failings. It was a process that evolved  over time, one in which I struggled to be honest with myself about who I am. I was ashamed about my foibles and my humanness; I felt it conceited to think well of myself.

I’m not sure what changed over the years that has led me to accept who I am, to celebrate my being. I do know I have continued to pray to the powers that be to remove my negative self-image. In response, I seem to have been guided to develop compassion for myself. This has led me to accept who I am without shame. It has also allowed me to like many things about myself without feeling I am being conceited by doing so. In fact, I find it necessary to have a good foundation of love of self before I can truly love others.

We come to acceptance of self perhaps over time, depending upon one’s wounds. With time and some sprinkling of compassion and gentleness, we can find that delightful being we have always been.

How do you find acceptance for yourself? Is that something that has come naturally for you, or do you struggle with it?


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How to Achieve Forgiveness

Published on February 28, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Tiers of Forgiveness

tiers of forgiveness

Forgiveness has been difficult for me. For most of my life, I have blamed others for my woes – my parents, my husband… I had no softness in my heart for the wrongs I felt I had endured at the hands of others. How, then, have I come to forgiveness?

About two years into sobriety, I was contemplating my past relationships with men, what my part was in their failure. I realized I would get drunk and yell at them that they were worthless and a failure. I was horrified to remember this. I didn’t mean those things! I actually was feeling those things about myself and was projecting my pain on the other person.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that if I didn’t mean those things when I said them, if I said them because I was wounded, then perhaps others didn’t mean it when they said that to me. Perhaps they, also, were wounded and projecting their pain.

This stopped me in my tracks. In an instant, I was able to see that people I was blaming were nothing more then human beings, like myself, living with wounds and pains. I began to develop compassion for them. This began the first level of my forgiveness, the first “tier.”

Since that time, my heart has softened even more toward those I felt have done me wrong and I have been able to reach another tier of forgiveness. It has been a very freeing experience and has lightened my heart tremendously. I have a new level of relationship with those I have forgiven, which is a new experience I am enjoying.

The final tier to reach is the forgiveness of myself. This has been harder and my work with it continues. I am able to see myself as a human being with my own foibles and failings. This has led me to compassion for myself, as well as for others.

The widening circle continues… the more I accept my humanness, the more compassion I feel for myself and others; the more compassion I feel for others, the more I can forgive.

How do you experience forgiveness? Is it something with which you struggle?

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Practice Random Acts of Kindness

Published on February 24, 2010 in Principle of living and sober living.

Curls of Kindness

curls of kindness“If this is not the time to be kinder and gentler to each other and ourselves, when will it be? “

I recall writing this in my journal one day when I was in angst about the unkind treatment of others that I was witnessing. I was discouraged by this, as well as the lack of kindness I was showing myself.

I didn’t recognize the unkind treatment to myself until years into sobriety, but I did recognize that the ways I treated others could be perceived as unkind.

In the past, I was unable at times to just smile at people, or to offer a kind word, a compliment. It wasn’t that I had unkind thoughts; it was that I was in fear about exposing myself to you. This made me shy.

In later years, I have realized that my behavior could likely be perceived as hostile, haughty, stuck up. Recognizing this opened my eyes to ways I could improve. Still, I had difficulty smiling at you, offering a “hello.”

As my trust in others, the Divine and myself has grown, I have been graced with the ability to smile at you, to offer a word of encouragement, or to tell you your hair looks nice today. I make the conscious choice to practice random acts of kindness. I have experienced great joy when I open up to someone and watch their face light up with appreciation.

It’s as simple as that today, although it has been a process of going through my gates to get to this point. Once I was able to be kind to you, I began to be kinder to myself. My hostile, belittling self-talk has decreased tremendously and most of the time is absent.

So, I ask again. If it is not time to be kinder and gentler to ourselves and others, when will it be?

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Inner Strength and Spirituality

Published on February 23, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Pillar of Strength

pillar of strength“Perhaps, rather than thinking I must make my morals, truth and integrity match another’s, I can determine what resonates with my own heart. When it does, I have the strength of a pillar.”

This is the verse from the book for this image. As I write it, I am struck with the part about making my morals and truth match another’s. I have struggled with this throughout my lifetime.

I learned it was necessary to determine what someone wanted of me, who they wanted me to be, and then to be that person, to give them what they wanted. Consequently, I became something other than myself in many ways. I became a people pleaser and would do so, even at cost to myself. Especially at cost to myself.

This thought process has died a slow death. Only in the past couple of years, have I  begun to figure out exactly who I am, what I believe in, what my truth is. It has happened as my spirituality has grown. I noticed one day recently that I am being a person with my own truth, integrity  and morals. It is wonderful to have realized that… very freeing. How did it happen? How does it continue to happen?

I don’t know for sure. I do know it has happened because I maintained my sobriety. All I seem to do is to show up for my life every day, doing the next thing that is in front of me to do, taking action when indicated. I have been blessed with courage to walk through my fear, especially to be who I am. I have found it helped, and helps, to ask for help from a power greater than myself, whatever that is called.

It has been a process that has occurred over time. It has happened as my awareness has deepened as I become more able to “hear” my heart. It has been a journey through the gates about which I am blogging.  What has resonated with your heart? I welcome your comments.

I would like to address the people who found my site yesterday by googling about worthlessness. If you have come back, I would like to offer these words. Take heart, continue on your journey with all the courage you can muster. It is possible to move past feelings of worthlessness, at least, that has been my experience. Go step-by-step, day-by-day. Know that what you have learned about who you are is not your truth, does not serve your higher good. I wish you well in your search and I am hopeful the gates will be of use as you continue your process of healing.

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How to Gain Compassion

Published on February 20, 2010 in Principle of living and sober living.

Fields of Compassion

fields of compassionmeAfter living sober for a while, I was able to develop compassion, both for others and for myself. This compassion eventually led me to forgiveness. There were two things I learned that allowed me to develop compassion.

First, I realized that everyone does the best they can at any given moment with the tools that they have. It softened my heart when I learned this.

Second, I noticed upon inventory of myself that I did the very same things that annoyed me when others did them. I was getting angry about these things. It made me smile when I realized that we’re not so different after all.

After realizing these things, I became able to begin the forgiveness process.

The use of “fields” in relation to compassion in the title made me think of how we need to open our arms wide to embrace fields of humans who are needing our tender compassion.

I am including today the prose that goes with Fields of Compassion in the book. I wrote it one day after experiencing this very thing at a stop light in Denver. I pulled over in my van and just wept. Then I wrote this in my journal. It was 2003, before I had taken the image…

“A man stands on the corner with his sign, Please, could you spare a quarter? Need a job. Our eyes meet. I see hesitancy, uncertainty, beseeching. Does he feel fear, shame, desperation, despair?

His bike sits at the corner, its half-gone seat duct-taped to hold it together. A bedroll lies in a basket, strapped to the handlebars. I feel compassion for his plight.

I do not know how to offer acknowledgment or compassion to this man who, as we all do, struggles to make it through, doing what he can to get by.

I look away and tears begin to flow – for his fragility, for my fragility, for humankind’s fragility. And I cry for the lack of compassion we show one another… and ourselves.

More tears flow for all of us who try, day by day, minute by minute, to survive.”

What has brought you to compassion? Share in a comment.

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Learn to Live with Gentleness

Published on February 11, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

bed of gentle“Bed of Gentleness”

“Oh, could we not treat ourselves with great gentleness as we go through life learning, growing, healing? Would we then be more gentle with others, too?”

I was prompted to write this as a plea to myself and others during the time I was doing my self-searching. I began to notice the harshness of the people around me. At the grocery store, for example,  I noticed parents speaking to their children roughly, with nasty words. No gentleness. I noticed wives, speaking to their husbands with disdain. No gentleness.

Although I was able to identify a lack of gentleness in interactions around me, it took me several years into sobriety to see that I was treating myself the very same way that the parent treated their child in the grocery store – harshly, with nasty words. I was able to see the lack of gentleness “out there,” but not “in here.”

I began to notice that the way I treated myself slowed down my healing and growing processes. If I’m healing from something which wounded me, for example, being harsh with or belittling myself, etc., does not help me as I try to heal from the original wound. That is just heaping more abuse upon the experience, which hinders the healing process.

If I talk to myself gently, however, it promotes the learning and growing. I feel more safe inside myself. I have recently learned to speak gently from within. It took much practice. I had to consciously think about it, remind myself, catch the times I was talking badly to myself. Over time, good self-talk is gradually replacing bad.

Why all this talk of myself? Isn’t that just a bit self-absorbed? Ah, but you see, I have found on my journey that the more gentle I am with myself, the more gentle I am with you. The more I love myself, the more I can love you. Isn’t that what this is all about, after all?

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Search of Self

Published on February 7, 2010 in Self improvement and sober living.

search of selfSearch of self, personal inventory, looking at my part in affairs… all the same thing, perhaps. For me it is. When I became sober and first did an inventory, really looked at myself with honesty, I was scared to death that all I would see was a failure, a selfish and bad person with nothing worth mentioning.

What I have learned over the years is that we all have redeeming qualities, even me. Like the image, our minds are a swirl of ideas and thoughts and we even have our shadows… and right in the middle of it all is our heart, shining brightly, leading the way when we let it. Don’t forget to look for those positive things about yourself that are in your heart.

I talk of looking at my part in affairs… what do I mean? For me, it is looking without fear at actions or thoughts I have in response to any given situation. My part in the affair may be that I had self-serving motives, or I was fearful to speak my truth and be honest with someone. It could also be that I had a positive thought of myself instead of beating up on myself or putting myself down.

Doing a self-appraisal was a good way to simply locate myself, to define what I was feeling. It became the vehicle of my inner freedom and peace. A regular habit of looking at my part in the affairs of my life taught me how to value, respect and love myself.

The beautiful thing is that once I can value, respect and love myself, I can value, respect and love others… you! It is a joyful and peaceful place to live and I am so grateful to have found it, one step at a time.

How are you doing with valuing, respecting and loving yourself? How about others?

Thank you for joining my blog today. As you may or may not know, this blog is about my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. Each blog, I talk about the next emotion or action or principle presented in the book, determined by the title of each gate. It will be a while before we get to Moments of Wonder, where I talk about that awesome emotion. Meanwhile, if you’d like to jump ahead, I have guest blogged for Our Little Books, a little book with a big message and  you can read my thoughts on moments of wonder. It’d be fun to have you visit. Our Little Books is a great line of little, teeny books… very inspirational. Hope you can check them out…

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Commitment of Journey

Published on January 25, 2010 in Self improvement and sober living.

commitment of journey“The gate stands open, beckoning me to climb.

Each step leads further in my journey, offering repeated opportunity to examine myself, my life – the leaves that have fallen, that leaves that will fall and the buds yet to form.

Once begun, I commit to the climb, for despite both rocky and smooth times that I will encounter, the journey’s reward is in each blossom and each leaf along the way.”

The second two stanzas were written in my journal a few years into sobriety. The gate showed up a couple of years later. To join the two, I wrote the first line after I discovered that this prose fit this image.

I never knew what a journey was. I did not hang around with people who spoke of their journey. All I knew was I was anxiously flitting from one activity to the next, looking for the one that would make me happy, bring me peace. It was always the end result which was my goal.

At some point in my sobriety, I slowed down and began to learn what a journey was. I became aware of how to examine myself, my life, and I began to write about this. I learned to slow down more, to notice the events and experiences that were occurring. I began to understand what people meant when they said that a journey is not a destination, but the process along the way.

Over the years, I have gone through a process of healing from emotions such as fear, sorrow, despair. The healing has allowed me to experience enjoyment of the process. I have learned, over time, to notice and appreciate “… each blossom and each leaf along the way,” along my path.

Sometimes the experience is difficult. It helps if I remember that there is a lesson to learn that I can use for my healing, my growth. I remember that the bad experience will move me forward to greater peace and joy, which I have experienced in my journey. Sometimes, I forget this…

Still, I commit to this journey, my journey, because I have experienced the rewards, the beauty in my life when the buds bloom.

What are the buds blooming in your life, along your journey?

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Key of Willingness

Published on January 17, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

key of willingness“All it takes is willingness to unlock whatever lies inside, to turn the knob and open the gate…

All it takes is a tiny opening, the size of a keyhole.”

For me, willingness is an action. It is a state of mind, an orientation, in which I place myself. By choosing to do that, I have set an intention and there is the action part. It is something I do readily, cheerfully, gladly.  To get there, I must have an openness of  heart and mind. Used with honesty, openness and willingness are very powerful.

What does it feel like to be willing? How does one know they are there? For me, it is a knowingness, a deep sense of peace and trust. It is being alright with, and even excited about, whatever comes my way, even if it is negative or difficult. It is a process of letting go of  the way I want things to be, or of the things that I have.

How does one become willing? It is that state of mind, that orientation that I have chosen for the day. It comes with openness. It is something I consciously and actively do… I say to myself I will be open and willing. I even pray for the willingness to be willing. That has helped many times over the years of my sobriety. Even a sliver of willingness has allowed the forces of the Universe to slip in and help.

What is the reward of being willing? Personally, it is that feeling of  peace and trust which I mentioned. It is also an excitement, an anticipation, of seeing how my life unfolds when I open myself to the guidance of the Universe, or to God, or to whatever you call your Higher Power.

How do you experience willingness? Is it something you choose?

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Openness of Heart

Published on January 14, 2010 in Principle of living and sober living.

openness of heart“Do we spend our lives behind the barriers of a closed gate, protected from the hurt and pain that might come to us?

If we allow our hearts to open, will we see things in a different light?

Will we grow through the barriers of our heart and be able to fully experience the richness of life?”

This prose was written at a point in time when I was overcome by both sadness and wonder… Sadness for myself and others, because I suspected many of us go through life with pieces of our heart closed, to protect ourselves from hurt and pain. Wonder, because I was beginning to learn how awesome it felt to open my own heart to all that was around me… other people, events, nature, designs of buildings… everything.

The ability to open my heart is a process which has happened over time. It started with having an open mind to all that was different and new. For me, this started occurring after I read the book Conversations With God, by Neale Donald Walsch. This book gently, yet powerfully, presented the concept that a higher power, or God, was behind everything, that experiences were opportunities, not coincidences, that God speaks through other people, through songs, billboards… everything. Everywhere, and in every thing, there is that guiding force, God, or whatever you choose to call the powers of the Universe.

I liked this concept; it was soothing to my soul. I relaxed and looked at those around me with less fear, more love and tolerance. My heart had followed my head and it continues to do so. And it’s the little things that bring joy and openness to my heart… noticing a mother smile at her child in a grocery store, watching the eyes of a homeless person light up when I smile at him/her, seeing the delicate bloom on a flower, a rainbow on the wall… The more I am open to all around me, the more joy and wonder I feel and the more my heart opens. It is an ever-present, ever-peaceful spiral.

Early on in the opening up process, I read voraciously and the second author who touched my heart and helped it to open more was Oriah Mountain Dreamer and her book The Invitation. The book is an invitation to open one’s heart… After that, it was Iyanla Van Zant and her book, One Day My Soul Just Opened Up. I identified strongly with the experiences she described. Then there was Eckhart Tolle and The Power of Now. When I live in the moment, I am more open, I live from my heart more.

Today, opening my heart means being available to all that life has to offer on the spectrum of feelings. It means being open to experience polar opposites… joy, sorrow, hope, despair, courage, fear. Openness to feel all my feelings has led to a richness of life I cannot describe. My heart is not always open, and sometimes it is difficult to be open and I struggle. Yet, I can say that it is definitely a peaceful and awesome place to be when I’m there. I have been truly blessed.

What are the joys you experience when your heart is open and receives?

Thank you for joining the journey through my book. Join me next time for Key of Willingness.

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Welds of Honesty

Published on January 7, 2010 in Principle of living, Self improvement and sober living.

Welds of Honesty“I look at the ways in which I treat myself and others. Can I allow myself and others to see what I find, to see who I truly am?

Perhaps, if I let go of the parts that do not serve me, I can weld my being with honesty. I can weld a secure and solid structure of great strength, on which I can build my Self.”

This is the prose which appears in the book with this image, Welds of Honesty. I wrote these words in my journal a few years before I saw this gate in Taos, New Mexico. I took the picture, only because I thought it had great character. It wasn’t like I was searching for a gate with welds… Later, the words and image just came together.

In my life, I have learned to be honest, to not steal, to own up to a mistake I’ve made. I have prided myself on my level of honesty. It was not until I entered recovery, however, that other forms of honesty were presented to me…. being honest with myself about who I am and being honest with others about who I am.

Boy, these concepts of honesty were foreign to me. The thought of looking at who I am was intimidating and scary, made me uncomfortable. I had spent the better part of my life trying to hide who I was, to be invisible. I certainly didn’t let you see who was inside, for fear of rejection or ridicule. I would please you at all cost to myself and, perhaps, even to you. Now I was being asked to look at honesty from a new perspective. I had to become willing…

What I have found on my journey, is that being honest about who I am is difficult. It has meant getting in touch with all the negative things I say to myself about myself. That evoked a lot of feelings I needed to examine. Then, it involved giving up those negative self-comments, the beliefs that I was a failure, not worthy. These thoughts are not honest about who I am.

Yet, even though detrimental to me, I have continued over the years with this thought process because it was familiar. Again, it has taken willingness to change my behavior, my thoughts. And it has involved a great deal of prayer. The reward is a sense of peace inside, an acceptance of myself and all my points, including the good ones, as well as the bad.

Once comfortable with who I am, I can be open with you about who I am. It’s been magic for me the way that works…

In what ways are you dishonest about who you are? How do you achieve a level of honesty?

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Warmth of Humility

Published on January 4, 2010 in Principle of living and sober living.

warmth of humilityGood morning and welcome to the new year. May it be filled with peace and joy for each of you. And welcome to my blog as our journey through the book continues.

Today’s topic is humility. For me, humility produces a warm glow. Hence, the naming of today’s image, Warmth of Humility. Although difficult to see in this reproduction, the late afternoon sun on the bronze of this gate is reflecting a glow of great warmth.

Webster defines humility as the act of being humble, which is to be modest, not proud or self-assertive, to have or to show one’s consciousness of his/her shortcomings.

For me, humility was something which found me in sobriety after I did a lot of work uncovering and acknowledging my shortcomings. I was cut down to size, was made to realize I was not the hot shot I thought I was. Of course, at the same time I felt inflated about myself, I felt so poorly about myself, so humility also became a place of recognizing that I was not a speck of dirt on the floor.

Humility is the recognition that the success I enjoy, or who I am and what I believe about myself, is by the grace of a higher power, not by my own works or actions.

My heart is softened by humility. When I feel humble, I am lead to compassion for myself and others, as I have a tender understanding of our common flaws and foibles. It is that warm glow to which I referred earlier.

I am relieved of the need to control when I am humble, as I am confident in the belief that if I just take action, do what is right in front of me to do, do the footwork and let go of the outcome, a higher force will guide me in the direction in which I need to go. It is a flow; again, that warmth…

How do you experience humility in your life? I welcome your feedback…

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Spaces of Courage – Some Inspirational Sayings

Published on December 20, 2009 in Principle of living and sober living.

courage

“The secret of happiness is freedom, and the secret of freedom, courage.” Thucydides

“A person of courage is also full of faith.” Marcus Tullius Cicero

“Compassion allows you to build courage and courage allows you to be more compassionate.” Gary Loper

“Courage is fear that has done its push-ups.” author unknown

“Always do what you are afraid to do” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I related to these quotes and wanted to share them with you…

Welcome to the journey through my book. Each blog is a new topic, based on the pages which appear in the book. Today’s topic is courage.

I discovered this image in Colorado in 2005, on the back roads from Pueblo, Colorado to Taos, New Mexico.  I liked the symbolization of a higher power, a Divine force, if you will, that is depicted in this scene. And I especially liked it because it fit with the prose, which, amazingly enough, came to my mind when I stumbled across this gate.

I wrote the prose in 2003 while traveling in my van with my cat in Baja, Mexico. This was before I started taking photographs of the gates. I was newly sober, trying to deal emotionally with the rejection of the man I spoke of early on in our journey through the book. The verse for this image, which I wrote while in great emotional agony, talks about the pain in our heart which we try to get another to fix, or we drink it  away, we  repress it. The verse goes on to say that if we could find the courage to embrace that pain, find a Divine source to enter that oh-so-vulnerable-spot with us, perhaps we would be comforted and we would be healed.  That is the essence of the prose that matches this image.

I have found, over time,  that when I am lacking courage, frightened, afraid to do or say something, I apply this principle, and it helps. I try to pause, identify and acknowledge my fear, my resistance.  Then I ask God to join me in that space of fear. I am often graced with the courage to go ahead and do something, say something, despite the fear that continues.

I have intentionally placed myself in experiences in order to gain courage and get past my fear.  A prime example is traveling alone in Mexico. I was extremely frightened and, yet, did my research to plan safe travel and then went even though in fear. The fear abated the more time I spent in that beautiful country, interacting with such gracious people. The experience boosted my self-confidence and esteem. And that even occurred before my realization to bring God in.

How do you find your courage?  Does it come easily, or is it difficult?

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Shadows of Doubt – The Plague of Self Doubt

Published on December 14, 2009 in Difficult emotions and sober living.

doubt72

Isn’t it interesting that, on the verge of writing the portion of Shadows of Doubt on self-doubt, I am struck with a major case of self-doubt?! It occurs to me that this is a perfect opportunity to describe what the process looks like for me, for self-doubt is something I continue to deal with, even after some time as a sober person.


A friend wrote his thoughts about doubt. I compared myself to him… my words to his words, my thoughts to his thoughts, and judged mine as less than his. I became paralyzed to write the blog. My confidence slipped, which led to a lowered self-esteem. Then, I doubted myself even more, and the spiral continued.


While in the throes of musing about my words for the blog, I came to a realization. I realized that while I bemoan the fact that I compare myself to others because my father always did that to me, I don’t need him any more. I compare myself quite nicely, thank you, without his help. So, the one more appropriate to bemoan is myself.


I have learned to realize that I am powerless over the ability to stop comparing and judging myself, that only God can restore me to sanity. I make the conscious decision to let God help me. Then, I am asked to look at what is behind my habit of comparing myself. Is it fear that I am not good enough? Probably some of that, a lot of that, perhaps.


So I talk with someone about my feelings, my realization. Then I need to become willing to have God remove that habit of comparing myself to others, which involves becoming humble. Once humble, I can ask God to remove my compulsion of comparing myself. I realize I have hurt myself by doing this and I apologize to any I have hurt, including myself, and try to change my behavior.


Changing my behavior involves spot checking myself during the day to identify those times when the compulsion to compare myself crops up and I ask God to remove it at once. Over time, if I do this, God may remove this character flaw. But He removes things in His own time and it may not go away right away if, by sharing about my struggle, it may be of use to others.


Then, I continue to build my relationship with God, and I go help another. And this is how I have learned to live my life… with everything. It gets tiring at times. Yet, there are rewards to this process that are indescribable. And, I have had many compulsions lifted.


I came to the realization last night that my friend and I are writing about two different things. He is writing more generally about the topic, where it takes you, etc., while I am writing because I am telling the story of my book, which is my story. To compare is to compare apples and oranges. Suddenly, I feel free, and able to write my own darn blog!

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Shadows of Doubt

Published on December 9, 2009 in Difficult emotions, Self improvement and sober living.

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“I am mired again in the shadows of my doubt, my fear. I circle and circle and circle around the stones of my heart, caged, unable to pass through to the place where my heart is bathed in light.”

Such is the prose that accompanies this image, Shadows of Doubt,  in the book. Interestingly, I wrote this prose in my journal several months before I selected and titled this image for my series, Gates of the Heart. The prose was not written specifically for this image. Yet, they fit together beautifully. That happened for most of the prose in the book… my journal writings coupled naturally with the images.

When I wrote this in my journal, I was riddled with doubt. I knew that “light” existed “out there;” I had heard others speak of it. But I could not get to it. I was running in circles in my mind, specifically, doubting the existence of a higher power… God, or whatever you choose to call that force. And, I was doubting myself… my abilities, who I was and especially my worthiness.

I could not seem to trust God, I kept having my doubts that He existed, because I didn’t feel as though He was helping me. This doubt led to mistrust. I would go only so far in trusting God, and then I felt I had to take over, had  to watch my back. This became a problem for me, Because to maintain my sobriety,I needed His assistance.

Then I met a woman who suggested to me that I start noticing every time something happened that was for my own good, whether an event/experience or in my inner world. “Watch how it is better than anything you had planned,” she further said. So I started watching and acutely paying attention to the things happening in my life.

Sure enough, I soon began to see that things were happening in my life. Things like, feeling better about who I was, developing better relations with others,  events occurring and people appearing to further the publishing of my book, for example. I concluded that God is and was working on my behalf, always providing me with opportunities to learn lessons, or to learn about myself and others.

My doubts about a higher power have waned, but as far as doubt about myself? That is an area that needs continual watchfulness and awareness. This is a topic all its own and  I will deal with it in the next post.

Thank you for visiting and joining our journey through the book. Until the next time, what do you doubt?  What has that been like for you? How do you overcome doubt?

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Thanksgiving – A Day to be Thankful and Give Thanks

Published on November 25, 2009 in Joyous emotions, Principle of living and sober living.

Today I deviate and jump ahead to Visions of Gratitude. That is the title of this image and it appears later in the book, after I have gone through many growth steps. I jump ahead today, in honor of Thanksgiving, a day to be thankful and to give thanks.

Thank you for joining me as we journey through my book. I will return to our travels with the next post.

My roommate and I used to go to our support group and the topic would be gratitude. For quite a while, our response was, “Gratitude? Not again!” We were quite annoyed. For me, that is because I was still not seeing that every thing around me, all that happened, was for a good reason and cause to be grateful. All I could see was what a mess my life was, what a mess my mind and emotions were.

As I became more sober, I began to heal and I began to see in retrospect why I had needed to go through a specific experience. I saw that what I had experienced was something which led me to further healing. More often than not, it seemed to be an experience designed specifically for me.

In the present, I am so grateful for just about everything in my world. It fills me with an endless feeling of lightness, strength and peace. I notice small things from which I gain delight and for which I am grateful, such as the rainbows dancing on my wall because of the sun shining through my crystals. I praise not only the rainbows, but the sun as well.

It took me years to get to that point, however. I spent a great many years bemoaning my fate, as well as worrying about things I’d done or things that were to occur. I had difficulty being in the present, living in the now.

As I learned to live in the now, I began to notice the things for which I was grateful and I began to heal more. As I noticed that I was healing, I became more able to trust the process and more grateful for the results. As I became more trusting and grateful, more showed up in my path for which I could express gratitude. And, so, the ever-spiraling circle expanded.

It fills my heart with peace and joy to live with an attitude of gratitude. It makes life more easy, more gentle.

The quote which goes with this image is: “When seen with eyes that appreciate, everything in and around me becomes more pleasing, more beautiful.”

What brings you to gratitude?

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Offer of Trust – for Self, Others and the Divine

Published on November 21, 2009 in Principle of living and sober living.

A way is presented. The gate stands open ever-so-far, beckoning. The path looks inviting, enveloping. Our eyes travel to the top of the path; we cannot see where it leads, cannot see what is up there. Hesitation occurs. And still, a way is presented, steadfastly.

Do you follow the path when you don’t know where it will lead, when you can’t see what is ahead? Do you trust your instincts, accept the invitation, open the gate which stands ajar and walk through? Perhaps your belief in the Divine and your trust in that entity enables you to travel and open yourself to the unknown. Maybe your belief permits you  to trust others and yourself.

Or, perhaps, you allow fear to stand in the way, thwarting your attempts to traverse the path, to open up to others, to a higher power, to yourself.  When you have opened yourself to any of these, have you been disappointed, sorrowful, hurt, thus rendering you incapable to trust the next time?

The second example was me for most of my life. I was constantly trying to trust, only to continually experience disappointment, hurt and sorrow. With a higher power, I could trust only so far and then I felt I needed to watch my back, to take charge.

During my journey in sobriety, it was suggested that I notice each time when the forces of the Universe were acting in my best interest, when things turned out better than I had planned or imagined.

So, I became willing to take this advice and began to gain trust that something was taking care of me because situations did, indeed, turn out better than I’d thought could happen. Over time, my trust in the forces of the Universe, a higher power, the Divine, God, or whatever you choose to call that force, grew slowly. Trust has evolved.

As far as trusting others, I have learned I need to lower my expectations. Then, I am pleasantly surprised when something happens. I have difficulty with this, so have much opportunity for practice.

Trusting myself has become easier; yet, it was difficult for a long period. I began to notice the times when my intuition was” right on” in a given situation. That gave me courage to trust myself in the next instance. Gradually, I lowered the expectations I hold for myself and learned to forgive myself when I was not trusting. I am getting much better at this. Again, it’s practice.

As the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band says, “They’re all practice.”

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Birth of Awareness – From The Inside Out

Published on November 17, 2009 in Self improvement and sober living.

“Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” Carl Jung

I love this quote by Carl Jung. It describes my experience very well. I spent most of my life dreaming. I would add to dreaming the blaming of people, places and things for where I was in life, for what was happening to me.

I then drank to numb the feelings that cropped up, such as anger, resentment, disappointment, fear, to name a few. After a while, drinking only intensified the feelings. I was miserable a lot of the time. Don’t forget, however, that I put on my “all’s right with the world” face. Even I was unaware of the extent to which I grieved.

In sobriety, I have been able to awaken to a different way. I have learned to take responsibility for my life, including my feelings. I now look for my feelings, own them,  examine them and my part in things. I usually find it unnecessary to blame other persons or situations for what is happening in my life.

At first, I thought if I looked that closely at myself, I would find nothing but an empty shell of who I once was. All I could see were my negative traits. When I started to look at my positive ones, I began to like the person I saw. That took several years into sobriety, however, as my awakening has been slow to occur.

And what I have awakened to is a tremendous freedom. I have freed my heart soul from all that negative energy. For that, I am so grateful, as I often experience peace and joy, two things I didn’t know I could experience.

Not only have I developed that habit of keeping track of my inner world, I have learned to be aware of my outer world, as well. The flower in bloom, the hills on the horizon… all the scenery around me, both far and near.

Yet, perhaps the most rewarding thing from my inner search and awakening is my desire to see others. I strive to be more sensitive to who others are, more aware of their needs, their dreams and hopes. I try to see more with the eyes of compassion than I have ever known to do before. Keeping a continual scan of my inner world allows me to be more open to my outside world and the people in it. I cannot describe how peaceful and joyful that is.

In what ways have you awakened in your life? Has it been a slow dawning of your inner world or sudden? I would enjoy and welcome your comments. Thank you.

Join me fort the next post as the journey continues…

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Birth of Awareness – Discovering the Divine

Published on November 12, 2009 in Self improvement and sober living.

birth of awarenessBefore moving on to awareness, I’d like to share what Michael J had to say about surrender… “Surrendering the ego is one of the biggest steps I took. I generally have to take it every day, right after seeking from within my love for the Beloved Self, forgiveness of the Self, and the best way to serve that Divine inside through daily acts of love outside.”

I thought this was beautiful and I wanted to share it with you. Thank you, Michael, for this most useful and thought-evoking point. I had forgotten about surrender of the ego, yet, it is an important part of the letting go process, getting out of my own way.

Moving on to today’s topic, birth of awareness, I’d like to start with my awareness of the Divine, to which Michael referred.

In the image, that little leaf you see in the opening of the gate is me, making the decision to walk through the gates of awareness. After experiencing fear, worthlessness, sorrow and despair, and after letting go of my pretenses that all was fine with me, I was led to develop awareness. There was no where else to go…

This happened for me several months before I got sober. Someone gave me the book “Conversations With God,” by Neale Donald Walsh, which I promptly ignored for several weeks. Eventually, however, I did read the book and became enthralled.

I came away from my reading with a sense that nothing that happens in the world is an accident, that God is constantly presenting opportunities and messages to us through the experiences we have, as well as through other people, songs, books, etc, etc. As I opened  up my awareness to these things, I noticed them more and more and it became an ever-widening circle.

As time went on, I struggled with the God-concept, or the powers of the Universe, whatever you wish to call a higher power. But my awareness continued to grow and I could not argue the point that some force was at play in my life. I was led to books by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, author of “The Invitation” and Iyanla Van Zant, author of “Until Today” and received great solace in times of struggle. My belief continued to grow…

Please join me in my next post, when I will talk about developing inner and outer awareness.

Meanwhile, I welcome your comments about how you discovered the Divine in your life. Did you struggle? Did you always believe or did your awareness dawn slowly…

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Surrender of Pretense – Part Two

Published on November 10, 2009 in Principle of living and sober living.

Today I would like to continue the discussion about my surrender of pretense. In the last post, I spoke of the ways in which I used to hide behind my gates, and sometimes still do. In today’s post, I will talk about the incident that led me to my major surrender, what that felt like then and what surrender feels like today.

It was an unrequited love for which I had left my marriage that led me to my knees. I was positive with all my heart that the guy returned the feelings and when I found out in a most humiliating way that he did not, I was devastated. Suddenly, I found myself alone and I was terrified.

All I could do for the next three months was to drink and cry. I was not able to function, to care for myself. I experienced acute sorrow, despair, worthlessness and fear. Eventually, I gave up in utter defeat and despair. I had failed to manage my life.

Interestingly, once I gave up and stopped trying to handle life myself, things started to get better. It was like I opened the gate for the good forces of the Universe to enter. People showed up who helped me and gave me love and support. I was able to make the decision to quit drinking and, at my friend’s suggestion, we joined a support group.

Even in sobriety, however, to surrender felt like defeat, utter despair. It was not until about two years ago, when I was placed on medication, that my inner world changed when I was led to surrender.

First of all, I consciously practiced giving up, letting go of events and the direction in which they were going. I quit trying to manage people and situations.

Secondly, the more I did this consciously, the more it began to happen and the more I noticed the ease in which I was able to let go.

Today, I continually return  to that conscious place of letting go of things.  I purposefully turn things over to the Universe and let scenarios play out as they will. Sometimes, letting go is a struggle and I do not achieve it. Sometimes, I am able to notice that I have been graced with the ability to let go, to detach. Each time I do this, it becomes easier the next time, and then the next.

When I surrender now, I feel peace and joy. I am usually pleasantly surprised at the outcome of a situation, as it is better than what I had planned or had imagined.

How do you surrender in your life? What does surrender look like for you? I welcome your comments.

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Surrender of Pretense – Part One

Published on November 7, 2009 in Principle of living and sober living.

surrender of pretense_2“I put on a courageous face and move bravely forward, but I feel lost and displaced.

My heart dies, one piece at a time, behind a gate that rusts away.

I am no longer able to maintain the pretense that all is fine behind my gate of false bravado and politeness.

It is time to let others see the pitted and rusted metal that is me.

It is time to let myself come out from behind my gate.”

This is the prose which accompanies Surrender of Pretense in the book. It describes how I lived my life, until I could no longer continue. Until I gave up my pretense that everything was fine with me, I spent a great deal of time showing the world a positive face, not talking about how I was dying inside, not even admitting it to myself. After-all, I wanted to be liked, wanted to avoid conflict at all costs.

It has taken a  lot of work in my sobriety to come out from behind my rusted gate. Sometimes, I am not aware of what I am feeling and, therefore, cannot speak up about what is going on with me. Other times, I still keep quiet because I want to be liked and I want to avoid conflict. I am, however, beginning to slowly let people know who I am. For the most part, I have found that people are supportive of those efforts, as well as the self that I reveal.

Sometimes what I say has led to an uncomfortableness in a relationship, and yet, I continue to speak up, even though I am fearful to do so. I do it anyway. Eventually, the relationship is strengthened or it fades away. In either case, it is a good way to practice walking through the gate of my fear.

Sometimes, I continue to keep thoughts to myself, to hide what I truly think, who I truly am, as I  believe it would be harmful to another to speak up. Sometimes, I continue to be too afraid to say something. There are those times, too, when I do not feel safe revealing who I am because to do so would invite verbal abuse and I am not willing to place myself in that situation.

In most situations, however, I am mastering coming out from behind my gate, being honest about who I am. It feels liberating and peaceful in my heart. I feels good to be true to myself, to show who I am and in what I believe.

Today’s post has dealt with the pretenses I have kept up, and continue to keep up. Next post, as we continue our journey, I will talk about the surrender I experienced initially and how that differs from the surrender I feel today.

How are the ways you continue to hide behind your gate? In what ways are you afraid to show others who you are? I invite and would love your comments.

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Face of Despair – Five Ways To Dispel It

Published on November 1, 2009 in Difficult emotions and sober living.

Face of Despair“Can anyone hear my wail? Can I hear myself?”

This is the prose that accompanies the image  Face of Despair in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart. Welcome, as we journey through the book. You may like to discover the magic of the book by reading about its birth.

“To be without hope, to lose or give up hope,” is how Webster defines despair. I found this to be true every time I came to despair. I did not come willingly…

For me, despair was like falling off a cliff. It was a hard and difficult landing. I’d be walking along, functioning well and bam! I’d walk right off into the morass of despair – total and utter hopelessness. I was convinced I no longer wanted to live and prayed for my life to end because I could not stand it any longer. I became suicidal a couple of times. I became unable to function, listless. All I could while there was wail, literally.

Each and every time I went there and then recovered, I was bewildered about how I got there in the first place, about how suddenly it occurred, about how I just fell off the cliff.

What was my despair trying to tell me? I thought it was that life was worthless, that I was worthless. There was no use in continuing. Liquor intensified these feelings; once sober, I no longer had my numbing agent and so felt this emotion acutely. It was agonizing. Little did I know when it started just how rocky my journey would become before it got better.

I have not fallen into despair for almost two years now. I believe there are five reasons for that.

  1. First and, perhaps, most importantly, a medication was prescribed in addition to my anti-depressive. This has had a major impact on my ability to stay free from despair.
  2. I had a revelation. One day, I helped a man immensely, just by telling my story. I realized in a flash that perhaps my experiences in life and how I’ve dealt with them could be of use to another. So, I tell my story.
  3. I took certain steps and did a lot of work on my issues of worthlessness.
  4. I continued therapy to help me identify my feelings so I could learn how to think differently about myself.
  5. I read a lot of self-help books about my issues, such as low self-worth.

These five things have made a huge impact on my despair. Today, I do not experience it. I find life beautiful and very worthwhile to be living. I look forward to each day, wondering what the day will hold in the way of experiences as my journey continues. It is a peaceful and joyful place to be and I am so very grateful for that.

Do you struggle with despair? How have you dealt with it?

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Agony of Sorrow

Published on October 28, 2009 in Difficult emotions and sober living.

Agony of Sorrow

As you may have read, I am walking you through my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart. Reading about the birth of the book may be helpful to gain an understanding of the book’s magic.

To be totally honest with you, I wanted to skip this topic; it has been difficult to write. Yet, it is one of the emotions described in the book, so here we go.

Sorrow is an emotion you might feel in response to regret or remorse of actions, grief from loss, or disappointment. It may be sorrow over the cruel treatment of beings.

Whatever leads one to sorrow, what I am referring to that I experienced was intense mental agony, anguish – a searing, burning feeling. It was something I didn’t want to feel because it was so painful.

While still drinking, the alcohol worked to numb my feelings for a bit. But after a point, it fueled my sorrow. In sobriety, I started to feel my feelings without numbing them and sorrow became a major part of my recovery until I was about five years sober. I spent a great deal of time obsessing about my losses… mostly of relationships, but also of things I missed out on that could never be, and of great disappointments. I didn’t know how to handle any of these things.

When entrenched in my obsessing, my self-doubt increased dramatically. This led me to great remorse of things I had said or done. The net result was sorrow and the obsessing spiraled out of control.  As a result of my self-doubt and remorse, soon my confidence was shaken and my self-esteem was in the toilet. I was unable to pass through the stages of grief.

In the best case scenario, sorrow runs its course and the stages of grief are experienced. A person is able to put closure on the issue which led to sorrow in the first place. As my friend Geoff puts it, “We cry. We mourn. We turn a new page. We start a new chapter. We reinvent ourselves. We replace loss with closure. We move on. We have an epiphany.” We heal and can see the good gained from a situation or relationship.

That is what eventually happened to me. In recovery, I slowly healed my wounds because I allowed myself first, to feel my sorrow and second, to grieve. I got counseling to help me with all of this, to help with my low self-esteem and self-worth.  I have not felt sorrow for about two years now. Certainly, I still feel great sadness, disappointment and discouragement, but they do not develop into sorrow.

Have you experienced sorrow? What was it like for you?  How did you resolve it?

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Feeling Worthless – 4 Steps to Moving On

Published on October 22, 2009 in Difficult emotions.

I was going to move on from the topic of feeling worthless, and then got an email comment from a friend. He raised a valid point, which I would like to share with you.

First, however, I’d like to explain to those of you who are new to my blog what I am doing. I am walking through my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart, topic by topic, as each appears in the book. There are forty-two topics or titles for the images. All together, they tell a story  - that of my personal journey through the gates of despair to joy and peace.

Each title/topic deals with a common human emotion, a principle of living or a way to treat others and myself.

I have preceded the title/topic discussions with six posts about how the book was birthed. It’s quite an amazing story and will lend new awareness to the story as it unfolds.

The point which was brought to my attention was that the gate, Corner of Worthlessness, is down the street from the Gate of Denied Approval. He went on to say that when we did not receive approval or unconditional love, it is difficult to dispel those feelings of worthlessness which arise from that lack.

Even though some of us, as adults, have wrestled with those feelings, and resolved them, they tend to arise occasionally to haunt us. He felt I seemed to have licked this problem. And, to a large degree, I have.

I used to have huge self-worth problems, however, which is why it appears in my book as one of my emotions. Some days, I slide into that morass. Usually these days, though, I don’t feel worthless. How is that, you may ask? I went through a process whereby:

  1. I first identify that I am feeling worthless. (It has taken years to learn that that is what I am feeling…)
  2. I talk to someone about these feelings; I let them out instead of bottling them up.
  3. I ask the Powers That Be, the Universe, to take these feelings from me.
  4. And, I remain willing for this to happen.

These days, that happens; I am freed from the feelings of low self-worth. It took a long time for this to happen, however, as first my esteem had to strengthen, as did my confidence. Perhaps it happened like that so my continued feelings could be of use to someone else. I don’t know.

So, on to the next topic with the next post. Meanwhile, you can view the photos in Opening the Gates of the Heart here.

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Feeling Worthless? Pass That Corner Of Worthlessness

Published on October 20, 2009 in Difficult emotions and sober living.

Corner of WorthlessnessHave you had times in your life when you felt worthless? No? Then you are lucky, as many people feel this at least once in their lives. I did, and here is my experience of it.

“I try and try to climb up to the light of my being, yet, I cannot scale the wall of my worthlessness. So, I collapse, again, in the shadows… a heap of broken debris in the corner.”

This is the quote from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart. When I wrote this in my journal, I was at the height of my feelings of worthlessness. (Remember, I described in the Birth of the Book portion of this blog how I wrote the prose in my journal before I took this picture, “Corner of Worthlessness”.)

I felt hopeless and was depressed. I felt there was absolutely nothing redeeming about me… no good qualities. I felt like everything I did was wrong somehow, that I was a failure in every thing I tried. I was a mess emotionally.

How did I go from those feelings to rarely feeling worthless today? First of all, I had quit drinking, as this only further depressed me. Second, I sought out a private therapist who was well-versed in the areas with which I needed to heal and started seeing her.

Third, I listened to a friend, who suggested I get medical attention for my depression. To do this, I got a referral from my primary care physician and went to the local mental health center. I saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with major depression and who prescribed medication.

I allowed myself to take the medication the doctor prescribed and quickly noticed an effect from it. When I say I “allowed myself”, I mean that I allowed myself to believe it wasn’t “weak” to  take medication, allowed myself to realize that the medication just brought me to a level playing field – to a starting place where non-depressed people were. I allowed myself to see depression as a disease in which my brain chemistry was not normal and which was in need of medication.

Over time, the therapy and medication regime have worked for me. I have been able to build my esteem and confidence and, thus, my feelings of worth.

Currently, I strive to see every person as worthy of respect and love, including myself, and this, in combination with my counseling and medication, has helped me to walk past the corner and through the gate of my worthlessness.

Are you feeling worthless? Can you walk through your gate of worthlessness? Do you need help to do this? Please, reach out. There is help.

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Overcome Fear – Walk Through That Gate

Published on October 17, 2009 in Difficult emotions and sober living.

Webs of FearHow did I overcome my all-consuming fear, my terror? I haven’t totally, but I have learned how to deal with it, how to walk through it.

I was many years sober before I realized how fearful and terrified I was of so many things. For me, it usually boils down to being afraid that I will do something wrong and will get in trouble, that I will not be liked, that I am not good enough or that others will get angry at me. These fears continue to drive me.

They are getting less and less as I become more and more aware of them. I put my attention toward these fears and talk my way through them. I pray to a higher power, the Universe, God – whomever you choose to call that Supreme Power which guides you in life.

I ask that my fears be removed, and often, they are. Sometimes, they only lessen, and I am given the courage to walk through the gate of my fear, whatever it may be.

I frequently recognize I am afraid to do something, and I purposely take action to walk through that fear. With practice and repeated walking through a fear, I find it melts away or becomes less and less.

How Fear Shows Up In My Life

My fear manifests itself as anger, hurt, defensiveness. When I recognize these emotions, I ask myself what is behind them. Usually, it is fear. Again, I pray for its removal and the strength to walk through the fear. Having been given the courage, I walk through that gate, again and again.

Fear is a normal human emotion and I do not think one is weak if one has fear. In fact, perhaps by acknowledging fear, one shows great strength and courage.

Personally, I have to determine when fear is False Evidence Appearing Real, and then go through the steps I have described. It is a method that works for me when I remember to use it.

Such are my thoughts on fear and it is time to move to the next image in the book. To begin at the beginning so you can discover the magic of the gates, scroll back. I would link it, but a link will only take you to one post…

How do you walk through the gates of your fear? What are your fears? How have you overcome fear?

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More Webs of Fear

Published on October 12, 2009 in Difficult emotions.

Today, with More Webs of Fear, I would like to talk about a saying I saw recently. It was ” fear is the parent of cruelty”. If I think back on the times when I was cruel to others, not intentionally perhaps, I was, in fact, fearful… afraid… scared. Is this the case for others?

Are those who inflict cruelty on others afraid? If that’s the case, can I relate to their fear and have compassion for them, thus freeing me from my anger and resentment toward the one who has inflicted the cruelty, whether that be myself or another?

How empowering it is to see with the eyes of compassion! It is very freeing. That does not excuse the cruelty; it just lets one see the other  in a different light. It allows one to act rationally, rather than to react with anger, which is never productive. It allows for forgiveness, over time.

Again, I do not condone cruelty from one human being to another. My heart bleeds when I hear someone being cruel to another, and especially a parent to a child.

But being able to see the perpetrator  as perhaps a fearful person has somehow allowed me to see that person differently. It gives me some basis of understanding for their behavior. I do not see them as harshly as I once did, which, as I said before, has been empowering for me.

It has led me to forgiveness and that has led to more peace of mind. It has led to my willingness to get involved more, to talk about fear as I have experienced it, and to talk about the ways out that I have witnessed or experienced.

You ask what makes me an expert on fear? Only from my experiences am I an expert; only in relaying those experiences am I an expert.

You must become an expert of your own fear. We all have it. It is a normal human emotion. It is advanced more in some then in  others.

Where does your fear take you? How do you treat others when you are afraid? Are you angry with them, abusive in some way, nasty, shy, quiet? Are you tangled in your own webs of fear?

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Webs of Fear

Published on October 7, 2009 in Difficult emotions.

webs of fearHello and welcome. Today I begin to walk through the book with you, sharing on each of the forty two topics and sometimes the prose. The topic will be the title of each image.

I invite you to join me as we move through my journey from despair to joy and peace. I invite you also to scroll back and read the tale about how the book was birthed. It is an awesome story.

“I have spent a lifetime spinning webs of terror and shame between the spires that stand as sentinels to my heart.” Webs of Fear, our first gate… Weaving webs was the only way I knew; breaking them down has been more difficult. It has involved, for me, the awareness of my fear and then walking through it with courage and faith. I do it even though I am still frightened.

There are so many forms of fear: justified fear, as when in a dangerous or unsafe situation, such as an armed robbery, fear for another’s safety and welfare, and self-absorbed fear, on which I’d like to focus.

For me, self-absorbed fear occurs when everything I fear relates to me somehow, that I will lose something I have or not get something I want. It is very “self” centered. It can be a nagging fear or full blown, so much so that I am unable to function, to move forward, to take action and I procrastinate.

What others call procrastination, I recognize as fear, although I have to remind myself of this when I procrastinate. When I am so fearful of doing something and the result is procrastination, I must really examine what the fear is that is holding me back.

Frequently, I find a lack of confidence because my self- esteem is low and under that is the belief that I am not good enough. Old stories, these are…

I do not find it helpful, as some do, to call myself lazy. That only reinforces my negative beliefs about myself. To raise my esteem, I nurture myself, pay attention to the fact that I am scared  and then do something nice for myself and someone else.

Today I wandered through the topic of procrastination. Next time, more about fear and how it manifests, for me.

What are the webs that you weave? What is it about them that paralyzes you with fear?

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Another One of Those Self-Improvement Books?

Published on October 3, 2009 in Self improvement and sober living.

attunement

Today’s image is Attunement. I thought that was fitting, seeing as I cannot seem to get in tune with myself enough to write this blog! Ever find yourself that way? Out of tune with yourself? How do you handle it?

I mean, I end up puttering around the house, or at least that’s what I’ve been doing today. Reframing a picture because the first frame and its mat were too much the same size and it looked blaa, working on the Internet, picking a frame for a pen-and-ink drawing that was given to me by the artist, smell the roses (literally), and so on.

You see the pattern. Flighty. Non-focused.

And the thing that’s so fun about allowing myself to be drawn away from my planned activities is it makes life more fun, more spontaneous, more interesting. It produces a freeing feeling.

I didn’t used to be able to go with the flow of things. Oh, nooooo. I had an agenda and I was bent on getting that agenda met. Sometimes, in my haste to accomplish my mission, I would “run over” others, just being concerned that my needs were met.

Other times, I watched out specifically for everyone else’s needs, and paid no attention to mine. I didn’t even know what my needs WERE for a while after I became sober. That has resolved over the years…

At any rate, I’m trying to make the point that after I walked through the gates of my heart, I was able to take the time to smell the roses, to be okay with diverting attention from a task at hand.

I have learned to slow down tremendously. I have learned not to over-complicate things by bringing in too many variables. I have learned that when I slow down, I experience more peace within.

I’ll start sharing with you in my next post the process that occurred to make this, and other, changes in my life happen. This is why I blog. I have not introduced the point of the blog until now. First, I wanted to tell you the story of the birth of the book because it is awesome the way it happened.  As far as my involvement in the process, I had little to do with it, other than the fact that I kept showing up for my life… sober… and things changed.

I suppose some might say the book I am telling you about is another one of those  self-improvement books. I cannot say. All I know is that my gates changed my life when I walked through them and I want to share that journey with you. So, another one of those self- improvement books ? … you decide.

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Who is This Gate Lady Photographer?

Published on September 23, 2009 in Birth of the book and sober living.

circle of giving-sm

Who is the gate photographer, this gate lady? How did my “previous life” propel me into what ended up being the discovery of my gates? To answer these question is to describe what my previous life looked like.

In my prior life, I was tremendously unhappy, yet I put my bright face forward, not letting others know I was aching inside. However, I was doing nothing to claim my own unhappiness.

I was in a dissatisfying marriage, one I was afraid to leave for fear of being on my own. I was in a job where the requirements were against my values and it made me very uncomfortable. And I didn’t like myself, yet, didn’t know that at the time. I had issues from my childhood, as did many of us. To handle all of this, I was drinking heavily. Of course, I’d been drinking heavily for a long time, having started in 1975.

In late 1999, I developed feelings for another man and believed he reciprocated those feelings. I left my marriage in June 2000, only to find out the man did not share them. I was devastated. My drinking escalated as did depression. I was unable to do anything but drink or cry for the next three months. I was unable to function with daily activities.

After that three months, I continued journaling. I actually had started journaling when I first developed feelings for the other man. As I was increasingly unable to focus on work, I quit my job in January 2001 because I had decided to go on a road trip.

Before I went, however, I discovered my gates. The discovery of the gates became an incredible stepping stone to where I am today. I tell that tale starting with my first post, Why I Photograph Gates.

I left for San Diego after discovering my gates, the first stop on my road trip. I was planning on getting sober with a friend. One day she suggested we attend a support group that could help us. Being open to everything that came across my path, I agreed.

Thus began the new life for me. Although I have experienced many situations during my sobriety, my story is really about what it’s like to show up for life, to be present and take action as a sober person, in a loving manner. My gates have been instrumental in getting me to where I am today, a life lived in peace and joy.

My first post, Why I Photograph Gates, begins the story of the birth of the book. My posts also describe my birth into a new life, as my journey described in my book is also my journey in sobriety.

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Divine Intervention Through Photography and Journaling

Published on September 15, 2009 in Birth of the book.

abundance-smAbundance

How did Divine intervention through photography and journaling lead to my book?

It was soon after my epiphany in November, 2004, which occurred quite unexpectedly. One morning while journaling, I wrote, “I have spent a lifetime spinning webs of terror and shame between the spires that stand as sentinels to my heart.”

This sentence was quite powerful because I had recently entitled my favorite image of a gate – one with several spider webs - Webs of Fear. I realized that the sentence I had written defined the image, giving it voice beyond the visual element.

This prompted me to review all of my journals and to extract anything that might be used to describe a previously titled gate image. With few exceptions, the prose that appears in Opening the Gates of the Heart comes from my journals, written as pleas to treat myself and others more kindly, with more tolerance, respect and love.

Furthermore, most of the prose was written before both the image was titled and before the insight occurred which led to the merging of the photographs and prose. In other words, most of the prose was not written to fit with an image. It just happened that the prose fit and described each gate.

After my epiphany, the birth of the idea to compile the images and prose to produce a book came about. Opening the Gates of the Heart has woven together an internal exploration and healing from past trauma through my journaling with visual inspiration in the form of photographs.

I neither designed nor engineered any part of this book; rather, it happened because of my willingness to be open to my inner search, because of my passion for photography and the gates and because I acted upon what cam across my path. I attribute this to none other than Divine intervention.

How else could these journal entries match the photographs? I cannot explain it, can you?

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How I Became One With My Gates

Published on September 13, 2009 in Birth of the book.

OnenessWe digressed in the last post from our topic, the birth of the book. I hope you found it interesting and enlightening.

We left off with me talking about  journaling as the result of my experience with the gates. I began to include in my long-standing journaling practice writings about my fears, my pain, the barriers of my heart. I began the journey of getting to know myself at a deeper level.

I journaled with my non-dominant hand. I had been doing so for two years prior to this more in-depth level of writing because of an injury to my dominant hand. I wrote about the ways in which:

  • I treated myself and others with little true respect, tolerance and love
  • I could treat myself and others better
  • we could all treat each other with more kindness, tolerance, respect and love

Often, as I wrote of these things, the words seemed to be coming through me, instead of from me. It was a most incredible experience, one which had never occurred before in all my years of journaling. I felt as though I was one with a source, the world and myself. It was amazing.

In November of 2004, I had an epiphany. I discovered that my daily journal entries described and paralleled the visual significance of my gates… Return and learn more about this awesome experience. Meanwhile, you can view the gates from Opening the Gates of the Heart in my Gates of the Heart series.

The title of this image is Oneness.

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Guaranteed Gratitude from Gate Photographs

Published on September 9, 2009 in Principle of living and Self improvement.

visions of gratitude **How in the world can gate photographs bring gratitude, you may ask? Well, allow me to digress today from my tale about the birth of the book and I’ll tell you…

This morning, I went to my car to drive to work, turned the key, and…. nothing. Ah, dead battery, I said. So, I called AAA.

When he came, he relayed the battery was fine… the starter was bad. Much more involved than replacing a dead battery.

My first thought was “Oh, rats!” My second thought was “I am soooo grateful!”

You see, yesterday, I was at a seminar 60 miles from home and I was grateful the starter got me there and home again before it died. I was grateful there is a repair shop within walking distance from home. I was grateful I didn’t have to be at my blogging class until this afternoon, so had time to arrange transportation. I was grateful my employer is flexible about my hours.

How in the world does this relate to gates? Well, before I opened the gates of my heart, I would have been ranting and raving about the situation, angry at the inconvience. Behind that would have been fear that I wouldn’t make it to class, but that’s a topic for another day…

Only because I have gone through the journey which I will describe in this blog as time goes on, was I able to have an attitude of gratitude. Only through the discovery of my gates, was I able to go through the process and open my heart.

It is an amazing tale and I can see such a huge difference in myself because of the gates. I promise I will return to the tale of the birth of the book with the next blog. I thought it would be interesting to let you see how the gates apply to a real situation in my life. So come back and continue the journey with me. Meanwhile, visit the Gates of the Heart series under photo galleries.

By the way, the name of this image is “Visions of Gratitude.”

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Discover the Magic of the Gates

Published on September 6, 2009 in Birth of the book.

I returned to that community in February 2004, at the end of the rainy season. joyful hearts-smWalking for hours and hours, from gate to gate, I became lost in time capturing crafted metal, puzzles of brick and stone, and lush, vibrant foliage.

Once I shot  two or three rolls of slides, I took them to be developed, reviewed them, decided there were improvements to be made, returned and shot more, and so it went for days.

I had no idea why I could not stop photographing these gates.

Drawn initially to their beauty, I eventually came to realize that they held great spiritual significance for me. They began to represent the ways in which I had erected barriers in my heart in response to hurts and pains I had experienced in my life. Those barriers prevented me from seeing the beauty that abounded all around me … in others, in myself, and in my surroundings.

They exemplified the beauty and light I wished to experience in my life, yet, could not seem to reach.

Soon, I began to wonder if others felt the same way, if their hearts were closed to themselves and others in response to hurts they’d experienced. Were we all experiencing gates of the heart, preventing us from treating ourselves and others with respect, value and love?

I didn’t know, but in response, I began to journal about the ways in which we, as humans, do not always treat each other well. Return and learn about how my journaling led to the book…

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Why I Photograph Gates

Published on September 3, 2009 in Birth of the book.

Cloak of Friendship

“What do you do?”  I am a photographer.

“Oh, so you do weddings.”  No, I shoot gates.

Every time, the eyebrows go up, a puzzled look crosses their face and they repeat…gates?!!  Yes, gates… wrought-iron gates. Oh, they say and nod in a knowing way. Sometimes, I think they are nodding because they think I am off my rocker and they are humoring me.

Who in the world photographs gates?

I do! Why? Because they speak to me.

For me, gates are portals, openings into a world of healing, a reflection of a personal journey, a walk along my spiritual path. I discovered this passion quite by accident…

How it all started…

Sitting on a boat in Northern California, I looked across the bay and realized there was a community I had not visited. As I was preparing to go on a road trip and didn’t know if I’d ever return, I decided to visit.

There in that hilly community, I discovered my gates sitting on the properties of grand and aged mansions, quietly unused. I fell in love with the reflection of light on the wrought iron and the lush foliage.

I vowed that if I ever returned to the area, I would shoot the gates and create a portfolio of them. Three years later, desire became reality, as I returned to that very community.

Return and shoot the gates with me…

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